Mindset of the Macabre

Same Shit. Different Deaths.

2011-08-23T23:43:00.001-04:00

Clicky to go to the films IMDb page

What can I say about Final Destination that hasn't been said before?

That wasn't a rhetorical question. I really want to know if anyone can come up with something new to say about a 5th movie that tells the exactly the same story only replacing the setting and the characters.

The Final Destination, the Mad Libs of horror franchises.

Just like the 4 before, this one starts out the same mundane way. Blank boards/gets into/goes to blank when blank has a horrifying vision of everyone's untimely death. He/She then warns everyone and only a few people believe successfully changing death's design. Death ain't nobody's bitch so he keeps trying to kill them in the most Rube Goldbergian way possible.

Let me just sum it up. This time it's a bus on a bridge, the group is going on a corporate retreat and Nicholas D'Agosto is the seer.

The only reason I even bother to watch this franchise are the deaths. They get more and more gruesome. I just wish there wasn't so much cg blood. I won't give away any of the deaths. They were pretty creative this time around. Let's just say I will never have laser eye surgery.

The two bright spots for me was the return of Tony Todd and the appearance of David Koechner. Koechner always brightens any movie and Todd is horror royalty. Tony Todd's absence was one of the things that made 4 feel incomplete. I was glad to see him back.

There is one difference in this one, the end. This one ends on a twist. It's easy to figure out. That is, if you just follow the signs and pay attention.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:

HUMOR: None

OVERALL: 1/2

Chain, Chain, Chain...

2011-08-18T02:39:00.000-04:00

clicky to go to the IMDb page.

Let's go ahead and get the obvious out of the way, I left but I am back. I had to get my brain back on track.

Now for more horror.

Teen slasher flicks all have the same formula. It's been this way since the first faceless killer came on the scene. Personally, I like the formula. I think it gives the filmmakers something to strive for. Who can take that formula and make something memorable?

Like a Michelin Star chef putting his spin on a grilled cheese sandwich. We're all familiar with it, now what can you do to make it SPECTACULAR?

Chain Letter isn't a Michelin Star meal but it ain't no happy meal either.

What can you say about a movie that has Rosalie from Twi-suck, Chucky from Child's Play, Childs from The Thing, Henry from KA-BLAM, Jigsaw's Wife, and a special appearance by Roger Rabbit!

Now before you think I have gone off my meds, let me explain...

Chain Letters is all about how we are all connected and it's not all gumdrops and lollipops, with the good comes the bad. I think the director, Deon Taylor was trying to slip a message in there somewhere. However, you wouldn't know that from the first scene in the movie.

Oh no. We get the gore right off.

After that we get the usual intros to the characters. The "good girl", The "promiscuous girl", The "athlete", The "bad boy", The "geeky guy" and The black guy. The geek gets a chain letter threatening death if it isn't forwarded to five people. Guess who he forwards it too? That's right and most of them delete it.

Then the killing begins, and they are some really fantastic deaths. No obvious CG. Practical effects were used beautifully. The killer, simply known as the chain man, uses chains as his calling card. It may sound a bit hokey but it really worked. Especially when you get to see what happens when you wrap someone's head so tightly with a chain it just disintegrates.

I squealed with joy at that one!

This is what it is, a teen slasher flick with a nice little twist. It's a fun little gore fest that entertained this creepy chick for approximately 96 minutes.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:

HUMOR: None.

OVERALL:

Paranormal Activity 2. Brought to you in ROB-O-VISION!

2010-11-21T13:28:00.000-05:00

Torture! Now in 3D!

2010-11-06T03:13:00.001-04:00

Click here to go to the movie's IMDb page

We've been down this road before. I said I was done. But you know me, I am a glutton for punishment. I had to see this one. I had to. I know I have said a couple of a times that I can't stand how everything that is released now comes in 3D as well as 2D. But I wanted, needed, to see how they worked the traps into the world of 3D.

I just had to see.

Jodie, Des, and I loaded up and took off to the Mall of Georgia to see some gore in 3D. When we arrived we got our tickets from the magic Fandango machine, picked up our 3D glasses and found a good spot.

We were ready.

Let me start off by saying this was a good movie. Kevin Greuter, who directed Saw VI and pretty much edited every Saw movie previously did a great job. I was pleasantly surprised.

As an audience, we have been promised answer to questions from this franchise. Ever since V They have been touting that it was the end. Well, this one is the end. Questions answered, surprises had, and one last game played.

All the past pawns were there sans Amanda. John/Jigsaw (Tobin Bell), Hoffman (Costas Mandylor), and Jill (Betsy Russell) are all there to finish the power struggle over John's legacy. Meanwhile, Bobby (Sean Patrick Flanery), a supposed "Jigsaw Survivor" has decided to cash in on his struggles. He wrote a book, does TV appearances, and goes to meetings with the other survivors. Too bad he's a liar and must now be put through his own game.

In the end... well, you really should just see it for your self.

The 3D effects were pretty cool. They didn't detract from the story. The film makers managed to use them where they would be most effective. Mainly in the traps and with the gore. I was ducking guts. I really was.

Speaking of the traps...

The traps blew me away. It was quite the sadistic little toy chest this time. I think the one based on sound was my favorite. Oh and remember Amanda's reverse flytrap mask? The one she managed to escape from? The ONE trap fans have been wanting to see in action? Your wish is granted, long live Jambi.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:

HUMOR:

OVERALL:1/2

Say A Little Prayer

2010-09-23T15:21:00.000-04:00

Click here to go to the movie's IMDb page

For those few that actually read my blog, you might remember an Up Coming Screamers I posted way back in May. I featured the trailer for the Daniel Stamm directed film The Last Exorcism.

I had my doubts.

This is another mockumentary film shot with a hand held camera. This made me worry. Ever since The Blair Witch Project, the film industry has been flooded with these things. Already I was going into this movie with biased eyes.

The story is all about this evangelical southern preacher named Cotton Marcus who is being followed by this film crew. All Cotton's life has been about the church. His father is preacher and he was groomed at a very young age to start his ministries. As a boy, he started to perform exorcisms. He continued until the day he heard of an autistic boy that was killed during a so called "exorcism". He questioned his faith and now he is out with this film crew to perform his last exorcism.

Enter in the Sweetzer family. A very normal family from a small southern town. A widower raising his two teen age children the best way he can.

Too bad his daughter is possessed by a demon.

Now this is where I started thinking "Oh geez, it's The Exorcism of Emily Rose all over again." Boy howdy, was I wrong. Cotton is played fantastically by Patrick Fabian. You really like his character. You know it's almost reprehensible that he is a fraud but you know he's doing it for the well being of these "possessed" people. You can tell that he just wants to help bring peace to this family without doing anymore damage.

Let's talk about Nell. Played flawlessly by Ashley Bell, Nell is a naive girl with home school ideas and a sweet charm. She misses her mom and loves Jesus. But there is a scene that struck me so hard, that I literally had to stop this movie, take a breath, and revel in her performance. She makes eye contact with the camera and you can feel it coming off of the screen. The pain and, what I can only call, evil, for lack of a better word, is so intense.

That scene alone is worth seeing this movie for.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE: 1/2

HUMOR:

OVERALL:

Are You Afraid of Your Shadow?

2010-09-22T17:28:00.004-04:00

Click the poster to go to the film's IMDb page.

Shadows creep me out. Not as much as mirrors or furries, mind you but they still creep me right out. Never knowing if what you saw out of the corner of your eye is a shadow or something much more sinister.

Like Lindsay Lohan or Ke$ha or something... *shudder*

Imagine you wake up in a padded cell. Now imagine you can't remember who you are or how you got there and you're wearing nothing but a tank top and boxers. That's how this movie starts.

Jolene Blalock wakes up not knowing anything. All she knows is that she is in some sort of mental hospital and someone has taken her clothes. After realizing her door isn't locked she sets out on exploring the halls. Eventually she runs into another patient, James Marsters. He is also suffering from complete memory lapse and lack of pants.

Eventually they come across four more people who are all under dressed and amnesic. Tony Todd, Marc Winnick, Diahanna Nicole Baxter, and Natash Alam. They all set out to discover who they are and why they are stuck in this hospital.

Only one problem, the shadows are trying to kill them.

A monster made of shadows. The thought frightens me. The movie on the other hand...

It wasn't horrible. It was the type of flick that could have been better. No fault of the actors, writer, or the director, Michael Winnick. It was just one of those movies.

The acting was on par. The effects were very Sy Fy channel. The story could have been stronger.

It was a "meh" kind of film. Look for it on Netflix's instant watch if you're bored and can't find a good Sharktapus movie to watch.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:

HUMOR: 1/2 (For Tony Todd's one liners.)

OVERALL:1/2

Making a Case.

2010-09-05T22:07:00.004-04:00

Click the poster to go to the film's IMDb page.

I've been meaning to write this review for a while. I actually sat through this movie three times. I had too. I missed the ending the first two times. I can't remember why tho.

Damn the black outs. (KIDDING)

This is only the third movie I have ever seen with Renee Zellweger in it that I've liked. The first two being Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation and Empire Records.

Don't judge me.

Zellweger is a social worker that is very compassionate and dedicated to her work. So compassionate and dedicated she can't make time for this smoking hot child psychologist played by Bradley Cooper. What is she, completely stupid!?!?!

She has 38 cases on her plate when along comes number 39.

Case 39... You know it can't be good when it's titular in a horror film.

This case is all about a little girl named Lilith, played by Jodelle Ferland, who is falling asleep in class, her grades are slipping, and she is exhibiting behavior found in abused kids. When Zellweger goes to investigate she discovers that her parents are very distant and the father won't even speak directly to her.

When the investigation is called off Zellweger continues to snoop. She asks her police officer friend, Ian McShane, to help her. When Lilith calls her one night in distress, Zellweger & McShane (sounds like a cop show) busts in to find her parents have went completely nutter and shoved her in an oven.

This is when we learn you shouldn't fuck with Ian McShane cause he is one bad mother bitch. Best part of the fight scene is when McShane takes the father's head and introduces it to Mr. Fridge's door. It's quite impressive.

The parents are sentence to psych treatment and the little angel is entered into the system. Zellweger, being as dedicated and compassionate as she is, gets talked into taking the child into her own home by the little girl herself.

And as "creepy kid" movies go, that's when things go wrong. People start dying in horrific ways. Nobody knows why! It's a mystery! Well, unless you've seen any of these types of movies before.

I did enjoy this movie. It was directed by Christian Alvart, who directed Pandorum. It wasn't horrible. It was kinda fun! Jodelle Ferland is an amazing actress for someone that young. I hope she doesn't go the way of other child actors. Bradley Cooper wasn't bad either and as I said before, Ian McShane is one bad mother... anyway. The effects were not bad. CG was minimal, except for the hornets... oh my the hornets.

I would suggest this movie to people, but only as a renter or a downloader. I don't think I would pay twelve bucks to see it.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:

HUMOR:---

OVERALL:

Three B's: The inaugural edition!

2010-09-04T09:56:00.009-04:00

I talked about doing this for a while. I watch a lot of movies that I don't rate cause either they are; A. stupid as a bag of oatmeal or #2. boring as all get out. So I had this idea to take the worst of the worse and compile a triple dose of dratch. None of these will have the normal ratings. None of these flicks are worth the effort. I will, however, give you my opinion on these pieces of... um... art?

For the first little taste of terrible I bring you Psycho Ward. I think this movie was about a decommissioned prison. Or was it a hospital? I'm not sure. All I know was that they kept calling it a prison but it looked like a nut house. A group of college age kids (surprise, surprise) are "thrill seekers/geocashers/ghost hunters/what the fuck ever" and they go into this haunted prison (hospital). They have the usual shenanigans. Someone turns up missing or dead or something.

Honestly I couldn't tell you the first thing about the story. All I know is that I was watching it and talking to two of my friends. I look up and some chick has nutted up on some guy. I look down. I look up, now there is a crazy person with a green mask on chasing them around the hospital (prison). Look again, I'm on a horse.

I don't even know how it ended. I just know I had to turn off the god awful music that was blaring over the credits.
My suggestion for this movie- Forget Psycho Ward... Watch Psycho instead.

The next tale of terrible is called Murder-Set-Pieces. Again, not sure what the actual plot is... It has something to do with a German photographer, who specializes in naked women. The German's girlfriend and her, what seems to be, 12 year old sister. The girlfriend loves him without fail. The little sister doesn't trust him. Always listen to the little sister. The German is a psycho. He has issues with women and really likes to fuck them and then kill them. I'm still not sure why. I think it has something to do with his Mother or Nazis or both.

Sadly enough there is talent in this film. In one scene, The German did buy a gun from Gunnar Hansen, who is billed as Nazi Mechanic. In another, Tony Todd is a clerk in a porn store that this German asshole attacks! TONY MOTHERFUCKIN' TODD!!! Plus Edwin Neal shows up as a good Samaritan that warns the little sister about the dangers of hitchhiking! OK, that part was funny.

Leatherface, Candyman, and The Hitchhiker.... Oh how the mighty have fallen.
I think I finally gave up when the German went to the psychic then showed up at some German woman's house then has nightmares about 9/11. I have no fucking clue what is going on at this point. CHECK PLEASE!

My suggestion- Grab any two novels off your book shelf and rip them apart. Paste them back together all willy nilly. That amalgam of words will make more sense.

My last offering of the evening is a Shyamalanian (If that's not a word it is now.) tale of six strangers, stranded in a rural funeral home, where people stop being polite and the story gets surreal... The Morgue!

It's a slow flick. It's got a twist. It's not a hard twist, nor is it original, but it is there. It's not as bad as the first two. All in all I must say this movie was semi-watchable. This is actually the second time watching it. The first time thru I watched it with Blake. I'm pretty sure I know why I couldn't remember details about this movie, except that the chick from The Blair Witch Project is in it. *cough cough*

I did remember the ending tho. I remember figuring out what was going on about 15 minutes into the thing. I also remember yelling at the TV "If ya put some soap and water on that sponge you might clean that stain off the wall!"

That's about all I do remember. After double viewings, this movie left no impression on me what so ever. It wasn't horrible. It was just... bland and predictable.

My suggestion- Watch it if you're board and see how long it takes for you to figure it out.

There you have it, my first installment of Three B's. I'd like to know what you think. Let me know in the comments or email me at Ninjakiss (at) Live dot Com.

Later!

Up Coming Screamers: My Soul To Take

2010-08-26T16:30:00.007-04:00

Now before I get to the horrific preview I just want to say that I am back to updating Mindset a little more regularly. I've been dealing with some personal horrors of my own that would turn any one's hair white.

OK... On with the show.

Click the poster to go to the film's IMDb page.

Wes Craven returns to the sub-genre that made him very wealthy, the teen-scream slasher film.
Something feels very familiar here, like I've seen this before. Here's the trailer. See if you also feel a bit of the ol' De Ja Vue...

I'm sensing a really strong Nightmare on Elm Street vibe. What's worse it's not even a decent Nightmare vibe. It's like Nightmare part 2... The killer's soul is in one of you! Oooooooooh.

Maybe I'm being a little harsh or maybe I've just be jaded with the crap Hollywood is trying to pass off as horror. Who's to say? This may be worth watching. After all, Wes Craven is the master of supernatural killers who hunt down innocent teens that really had nothing to do with the killer's demise.

But did he have to make the Slasher look like Hagrid?

Sigh...

2010-07-09T02:59:00.003-04:00

This one single section was all the horror dvds at Best Buy in Buford, GA. That's it.

I wept.

I don't know if this speaks to the lack of horror or the fact that the internet has brought us downloads and the instant watch/deliverable by mail services of Netflix and subsequently the death of retail dvds?

Or the fact that this Best Buy sucks and that the horror section is much more massive in other locations. If someone knows, enlighten me.

Just a thought.

Up Coming Screamers: A Look at Let Me In

2010-07-06T02:03:00.007-04:00

Click the poster to go to the film's IMDb page.

I've been a bit nervous about the release of this movie since I first caught wind of it. The original Swedish version was so powerful and moving I was speechless after I saw it. You can read my review of Let The Right One In here. The original is actually what I like to call a "Holy Grail" movie. It's a treasure that you didn't expect because it didn't look like it would be as amazing as it is. It's one of my top 10 flicks of all time and that is why this Americanized remake has me worried. Here's the trailer...

The fact it is directed by the guy that did Cloverfield, Matt Reeves doesn't help it's case either. It seems that Mr.Reeves has problems with originality. Look at Cloverfield, it was basically a knock off of The Host, Godzilla, and The Blair Witch Project all rolled into one. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he would helm this remake. At least J.J. Abrahms didn't stick his grubby hands in this... or Michale Bay.

Thank the gods for small miracles. Yet, I digress.

The trailer is impressive. The story looks spot on. The two lead actors look like they may have it down. Lets just hope that Chloe Moretz can live up to Lina Leandersson as Abby/Eli. She was fantastic as Hit-Girl in Kick-Ass but this role is going to be a tough one. She is going to have to put all of her emotions into Abby, yet she is going to have to be very stoic at the same time.

Then there is Kodi Smit-McPhee having to walk in the shoes of Kåre Hedebrant in the Owen/Oskar role. He's going to have a tough job as well. Oskar was a roller coaster of a boy. Kinda psycho and yet so caring for Eli. I just hope the choices were good ones.

Then there is THE scene. If you've seen Let The Right One In, you know what scene I'm speaking of. I won't spoil it and I ask no one else will either. I am just wondering if they cut it out or not, no pun intended.

I guess we shall find out in October.

RAH RAH REE! KICK THEM IN THE KNEE!

2010-06-12T04:36:00.006-04:00

You know, ladies & gentlemens, there are somethings one must not do while one is in an "altered state". I'm not going to go into how my "state" was "altered" but let's just say I was. One of those said things is choose what movies sound like a good idea.

This is the results.

Me and Poot were sitting on the Nanny couch scoping out the ol' Netflix instant watch when, in our "altered state", we saw a movie that we knew would be just so AWESOMELY BAD we had to watch it. Cheerleader Autopsy.

(Cue music sting now!)

As some of you may know I love B movies. I really do. It comes from my long time obsession with Troma and a heavy influence from my Dad. This movie really does embrace B-ness so much it is unfathomable.

Directed and written by Stuart Doge... Well... This is the only thing by Stuart Doge! For god sakes, it was shot on what looks to be a HD camcorder! Poot and I knew it was going to be bad! SHE EVEN SAID "This is going to suck." AND WE STILL WATCHED!!!

*ahem*

Cheerleader Autopsy actually has a plot, believe it or not, Mr. Ripley. It's the story of The Fighting Beavers cheerleading squad! A squad consisting of 5 whole members. One who I think is Australian and might be a Suicide Girl. I think I've seen her naked. The first thing they do is shove the most obvious joke down our throat with a sign that said "You can't lick our Beavers." I saw the SAME damn sign 5 times. Making sure that those people who are complete simpletons get it too.

How nice.

The squad are on their way to regionals or nationals or something. It really doesn't matter. None of this matters. All you have to know is that they all get horribly killed in a freak bus accident. All but one. She is like the topless B-movie actress highlander. Only missing both legs, an arm, and she looks like Two-Face.

SIDE STORY!!! There is some frat dude who gets kicked out of college and goes to work for his uncle in a small town. His uncle is the coroner and sheriff. Guess where the cheerleaders died? Come to find out his uncle is selling unclaimed bodies to a dog food company. Did I mention there is also a creepy janitor who has a baby dick and likes to play like Dr.Frankenstein in his spare time. He also has a childhood grudge against the nephew?

It just keeps getting better!

As I said before, this doesn't matter. You do not watch this movie for plot or acting. You watch it for the sheer absurdity that is Cheerleader Autopsy. You watch it for the obviously fake rubber cadavers. You watch for lines like "She has grass in her snatch." You watch cause it was filmed in Georgia and you can tell! You watch for stupid sound effects. I swear they used a slide whistle. Then again I may have imagined that.

So in conclusion I have to say that this wonderful movie shouldn't be viewed seriously unless you seriously love crap. However, if you want a good laugh might I suggest you pick this, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, and the classic Redneck Zombies up and just have a B-Movie fest.

It wouldn't hurt to visit an "altered state" either.

RATINGS:

ACTING: (It really was bad.)

GORE:

HUMOR:

OVERALL:

Up Coming Screamers: A look at The Last Exorcism

2010-05-26T17:12:00.008-04:00

This is a new thing I'm trying out. I am hoping that with this new batch of horror that is on the horizon I could at least feature some of the trailers and my thoughts on them. I would also love to hear what you think of them as well!

Think of this as your sounding off platform for what may or may not be good horror.

click the poster to go to the movies IMDb page.

To start this new feature off right I figured I would present the latest film produced by Eli Roth. Originally called Cotton, The Last Exorcism is a faux documentary that follows evangelical minister Cotton Marcus on his last exorcism. Directed by Daniel Stamm, a relatively unknown director, and produced (along with Roth) by the same team that produced 2004's remake of Dawn of the Dead, The Last Exorcism looks like it may have potential. I'm just leery about the "Documentary style". We've seen it done to death and it's getting about as cliche' as 3d.

Check out the trailer & judge for yourself. I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Kill the TV, Before it Kills You.

2010-05-24T06:59:00.006-04:00

When I was but a wee lass around the age of 12, my best friend, Beth and I had a Saturday night ritual. We would hole up in my bedroom, stuff our face with junk food, and watch our three favorite shows. Monsters, Freddy's Nightmares, and Tales from the Darkside. It was bliss for my 12 year old horror loving heart!

Flash forward to the 33 year old horror vixen I am today. Just recently, I "acquired" season one of Freddy's Nightmares. This was the short lived series based on, what else, The Nightmare on Elm Street movies. Watching it now that I'm older I spot the people who are famous today like John Cameron Mitchell, Mariska Hargitay, Bill Moseley, Brad Pitt and Bob Goen. I also realize that my 12 year old self's taste in horror wasn't nearly as "refined" as my 33 year old self's taste. Some of these could be called crap if they aired today! If you haven't ever had the privilege of viewing this show it's basically Tales from the Crypt with Freddy serving up tales of his torment in dream land. He's terrorizing everyone in Springwood and we get to watch.

Now, 1988 was banner year for horror television! Not only did you have the three shows mentioned above, we also had Friday the 13th: The Series, which had nothing to do with Jason Vorhees and everything to do with cursed antiques. Another awesome horror anthology show!

This really got me thinking. Why don't we have great horror television like this anymore? We have our The Vampire Diaries, True Blood & Supernatural but these aren't truely horror. The Vampire Diaries are nothing more than this neutered vampire fluff that is so popular. True Blood is soft core vamp porn, granted much better than the fluff but too much boinking and not enough killing. Now I have to give props to Supernatural. It's not really fluff and it has some cool story lines but it's not really what I would love to see in horror television.

The last good horror show, in my opinion was Masters of Horror. But really, how can you top something like that? All the greatest horror directors & writers given free reign to create amazing tales of terror. It was like giving this fat girl the keys to the horror candy store!

Mmmm horror candy...

If you were to ask me what my top 5 horror tv shows were I guess it would break down like this:

5. Monsters
4. Freddy's Nightmares
3. Masters of Horror
2. Tales from the Darkside
1. Night Gallery

I know most people would expect The Twilight Zone but it wasn't just horror, it was also fantasy & Sci Fi. Night Gallery in my opinion held true to the art of telling tales of horror & suspense.

Maybe one day I will get my horror anthologies returning to the tube. Till then it's my Tales from the Darkside dvds and a glimmer of hope.

Show me Top 5 Horror Video Games.... DING DING DING

2010-05-10T18:49:00.008-04:00

If you know me you know that I am not just obsessed with horror. I am also a gamer. I love video games. I have ever since I was a wee tyke and I got my hands on an Atari 2600 joystick.

I love when my obsessions cross over, so I decided that my horror blog needed to meet my gamer side.

Here's the setup. About 3 to 4 days ago I posted this as my facebook status...

"Calling all of my video game brethren and sisteren! I am looking for your top 5 horror video games! It can be for any system or pc, just as long as it's horror. It's for my blog, and if you have a link to whore out post it with your top 5 and I'll link you."

I was curious to see what people thought of the horror genre in video games. What I got was a bunch of lists from my friends and a few from some awesome Nerdcore rappers (second in my heart next to horror)

Shael Riley-
Resident Evil Outbreak
Resident Evil Outbreak: File 2
Resident Evil 1
Resident Evil 2
Super Castlevania IV

Quartz Relic-
Eternal Darkness
Silent Hill 1/2
Resident Evil (Gamecube Remake)
Siren
Fatal Frame 2

Kyle Wertz aka MC Coolwhip-
Condemned 2
Silent Hill 2
House of the dead 2
DOOM 3
Dead rising

Caine Chaffin-
Parasite Eve
Silent Hill 3
Shivers 2
7th Guest
Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth

Michael Walker-
Fatal Frames 1 and 2
Silent Hill two
The Suffering
Dead Space

Steven Naslund-
Silent Hill 2
Resident Evil 1
Fatal Frame
Clock Tower
Dead Space

Matthew Parrish-
Eternal Darkness
Condemned
Deadspace
Resident Evil 1
Resident Evil 4

Mike Herron-
Splatterhouse
Castlevania: Symphony Of The Night
Resident Evil (original PS1 version)
Return to Castle Wolfenstein
Doom

James Keith Colburn-
Silent Hill 1
Fatal Frame
Silent Hill 3
Fatal Frame 2
Kuon

Everyone used my status to discuss the differences in all the sub genres. Is survival horror better than puzzle or action horror? Which is scarier? I'm interested now in delving into this subject matter a bit deeper.

As for my top 5?

Robin Thompson-
Parasite Eve
11th Hour
Bioshock
Resident Evil
Silent Hill

I kinda like this list thing... Look for more lists comming soon & if you have any suggestions in movies, books, or video games email me at huddlehouseninja (at) hotmail.com

It all felt like a bad dream

2010-05-07T01:49:00.004-04:00

OK first off I need to offer my sincerest apologies. My life has been CRAZY these past few and I have been watching movies just not any worth writing about. I know I promised 3 reviews WAAAAAYY back when that I never got around to I'll probably post the reviews soon now that my life has somewhat normalized.

And now for something completely different, and yet very familiar...

I have been dreading this since I read that my arch nemesis, Michael Bay was producing the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street. I'll tell you why.

I was different from all my friends when I was a kid. They all had pictures of New Kids On The Block and the teen star de'jour. Me? I had a life size door poster of Freddy Kruger. I would cut out pics of him from Fango. I was enamored by this monster! A Nightmare on Elm Street was my movie.

I wept openly when I heard of the remake.

Tonight I swallowed my pride and decided to just go for it. I'm not sorry I did. I mean it could have been worse. Billy Bob Thorton was rumored to have been offered the role of Freddy.

"I think your soul would be good with some biscuits and mustard. Maybe some of those french fried potaters. MMM HMMM"

That could have been a DISASTER. Thank heavens for small miracles. Like magnets. It's fuckin' magic. Anyway, back on point.

Freddy Kruger 2.0 was directed by Samuel Bayer. This is Mr. Bayer's first feature. He has mostly been involved in the fine art of music video directing. His directing isn't bad. He's no Wes Craven. Then again, who is? I'm just glad it wasn't edited like a music video. It's scenes are seamless and it flows quite well.

The acting isn't horrible but it isn't stellar either. In the original we got Johnny Depp, in this one we get Kellan Lutz, Thomas Dekker, and in Johnny's role as Nancy's boytoy, Kyle Gallner.

Someone bring Johnny back. None of the guys were memorable. Just eye candy & gore fodder.

The girls in this were better. Rooney Mara played Nancy very well. Meek and unassuming in the beginning and kicking some nightmare ass in the end. Well played indeed. Katie Cassidy was Kris, Nancy's BFF (Tina was her name in the OG ANOES). I must admit she pulled Kris/Tina off as well as Rooney did Nancy. The bedroom scene, while not as intense as the OG was still very good.

Now the big one. Jackie Earle Haley. The man who took over the role as my beloved Fred Kruger. He had some mighty snarky shoes to fill. Robert Englund gave life to the role. He was Freddy. I was terrified that no one could ever play him like Robert did. I was right. Sort of. Haley was a Kruger of another color. Completely different than Robert Englund. He was more creepy with a side of snark. I know that is gonna tick a lot of people off. The reason is we got used to the later incarnations of Freddy. From Nightmare 3 we were given the "Welcome to prime time, bitch" Freddy. This was the beginning of the smart ass Kruger. Lest we forget that he was indeed more creepy and less snarky in parts 1 and 2.
Haley was genius. He was so creepy I sort of felt uncomfortable. Like I needed a shower. He played up the child molester aspect and played down the revenge. You kinda have to over look the voice. If I look away or close my eyes I see Rorschach in my head.

The effects in the movie were pretty good. I was a bit disappointed in the CG Freddy over Nancy's bed. They should have went the OG route and did it with a wall of latex. Much freakier. Freddy's makeup however was SPOT ON. Less wrinkly than Robert Englund's more serious burn victim. Not a ton of gore. Some cuts and open wounds, a few bouts of impalement here and there. Nothing too gory until... well, we'll leave that as a surprise.

All in all not a bad remake. (Curse you Michael Bay. Curse you.)

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:

HUMOR:

OVERALL: 1/2

Rock-a-bye baby.... HOLY CRAP!

2010-02-18T14:54:00.004-05:00

Once again I bring you a remake of a cult classic. Now I know I wasn't fond of the original Stepfather, like in the last review but this one is different. I loved It's Alive (1974). It was one of those movies my dad introduced me to. We had a bond over B-movies. Something about that screeching baby mutant just warmed my heart.

I was very interested when I saw that the remake had showed up on my Netflix instant watch. So I might as well give it a shot.

Of course they updated the story. Instead of Lenore and Frank being a married couple, Lenore (Bijou Phillips) is a college girl and Frank (James Murray) is some kind of architect. At first I couldn't figure out why they wanted to change it. Then the plot gods told me.

I digress. They have the baby. It's not normal. Well, it looks normal but its six months premature and bigger than a full term baby. Did I mention when the doctors cut the cord the little bugger went nuts and slaughtered the entire OR? No? Well it did. Only people to survive was Momma and Baby. That's the thing with this kid. It gets scared or threatened it turns into this flesh eating mutant.

Whatever you do, Don't play peek-a-boo with him.

The movie was pretty much the same plot as the original. Well, it was in the same neighborhood as the original. The only thing is it's not a chemical that affects a whole bunch of women, it's Lenore's fault. Not some company. It's her doing.

This wasn't a bad remake. The cg baby of doom was cool and the deaths were pretty gruesome. I don't think it could ever hold a candle to the original. I mean that mutant baby is iconic!!

You can even buy the original baby as a puppet. I got to have this!!

My suggestion is check this out once but go back & watch the original. Much more enjoyable!

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:

HUMOR:

OVERALL: 1/2

YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER!!!!

2010-02-17T04:39:00.004-05:00

Let me tell you about the first film to ever put me to sleep.

I was about 13 years old and I was looking for a movie at my local video store. The Stepfather caught my eye, recently acquiring a step parent my self, I thought this should be fun.

It wasn't. I got like half way through when I just passed out. Right out. Like a light. Stone cold sleep.

Fast forward to 2009. Hollywood, being the wealth of creativity that it is, decided to remake The Stepfather. So being hopeful that maybe, just maybe, they could make it a bit better I decided to give it a try.

I was wrong.

The Stepfather starts off introducing you to David Harris (Dylan Walsh). In the opening scene you see the aftermath of his killing spree. You immediately know who he is and what he is about. But then again you knew this from the trailer. David moves to a new town and starts looking for another family. He meets Susan Harding (Sela Ward) in a grocery store with her two younger children. He weasels his way into the family and all is right in his psychopathic brain. Until Susan's oldest son, Michael (Penn Badgley), comes home from military school. He becomes suspicious of his soon to be stepfather and questions arise about David's past.

This is pretty much the story. Every time people get curious of David's past, they die. A neighbor, the ex-husband, Susan's random lesbian friend (or she may have been her sister), all dead. And not in creative ways. All of them by some form of asphyxiation.

BORING.

You can pretty much describe the entire movie as boring. I was hoping the family would have been killed. Then there was Michael's blond, vapid girlfriend who was basically always in her bathing suit or undies. I guess they had to throw something in there so the guys would stay interested.

It didn't work for me and I like boobs.

I fell asleep. I really did. I fell asleep. I guess it was just like the original after all.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:---

HUMOR:---

OVERALL: 1/2 of a skull.

...Its Whats For Dinner. OK!

2010-01-16T05:42:00.003-05:00

This could be a genius comedy or the most awful horror movie. I think I laughed at this for all the wrong reasons. However, it was entertaining but I kinda feel dirty for enjoying it. Like I may have to take a shower kind of dirty. This movie goes against every fiber of that part of my heart that loves horror. And yet it sings to the part of my heart that loves stupid comedy.

I am torn.

The Cook was directed by Gregg Simon. He's only done like three other movies none of which I have heard of. It stars... well people I've never heard of and may never hear of again.

It's plot is simple. Hot sorority chicks get a new cook from Hungary (Lame Joke.) who barely speaks English. The two phrases he can muster are "I am cook" and "OK!". He's a fantastic cook. His specialty is co-eds. Co-ed sloppy joes, co-ed hash, pretty much an all human diet. Yummy. Oh I'm not giving anything away here. After he kills his first victim he tells another girl in, what I'm guessing is Hungarian, that he killed her friend and she ate her. She just smiled and laughed.

The deaths were so so and every time he offed one of the rocket surgeons he would scream and yell OK! That truely cracked me up!! I think that's why I enjoyed this. I laughed all thru it. Because it was so damned ridiculous. God help me I laughed.

This movie is filled with gore, cannibalism, lesbian dominatrix teaching a christian girl how to be a slave, boobs, and rampant drug use.

This isn't a warning, I'm just stating the facts. A crazy, nutty, string of facts.

RATINGS:

ACTING:1/2

GORE:

HUMOR:

OVERALL:

You won't see any sparkles here.

2010-01-10T06:29:00.003-05:00

I can't tell you how happy I am to have seen this movie. Even the crappy people I had to deal with could not have ruined my night. I got to see the re-birth of the vampire movie. No whiny, brooding, sickly looking, emo, sparkling in the sun vampires here. Oh no. This is the real thing.

The real GORY thing.

Daybreakers is written and Directed by The Spierig Brothers (Michael Spierig Peter Spierig) who also brought us Undead. They bring to life the world of 2019 where vampires have taken over and humans are nothing but cattle. Problem is the cows are running dry. Human blood is dwindling down. Something needs to be done soon or the vampires will regress into creatures called "subsiders". Basically the lack of human blood or, in some cases, the feeding on other vamps make them regress into a more animalistic form.

I would like to take this moment and talk about the hero of this piece. Ethan Hawke plays Edward Dalton. Yes, the main vampire in this movie is named Edward. This is when I busted out laughing in the theater. Really Speirigs. Could you have at least went with Sam or Joe. WHY EDWARD!?!?!?!

Anywho... Edward (HAHA) is a Hematologist who is working on an answer to the problem at hand. He is being pressured to find a blood substitute by his boss Charles Bromly (Sam Neill). However, Edward (giggle) is a vampire with a conscience. He thinks that the human race should be saved. This puts him at odds with, well, pretty much everyone he knows including his brother Frankie (Michael Dorman) who just happens to be a human hunting soldier.

Driving home from work Edward (snicker) has a little fender bender with a group of wayward humans, led by Audrey (Claudia Karvan). Instead of turning them in he helps them out and gains Audrey's trust. She introduces him to Lionel aka Elvis, played marvelously by Willem Dafoe. Elvis claims to have a cure for vampirism. Edward (chortle) now has a new mission. Perfecting the cure.

I, like most people, are sick to death of vampires. With all the onslaught of romanced based, pre-pubescent, non- horror vampire stories out there I was super surprised that this movie was good. I really couldn't believe how much I enjoyed it.

The story was amazing. Not too much romance, just a smidge. There was gore and explosions and a car chase scene that had me LITERALLY on the edge of my seat. Willem Dafoe was hilarious with the wise cracks. The Spierigs worked in little nuances here and there that was amazingly effective in this film.

I love vampires again because of this film. And that is a a great feat.

RATINGS:

ACTING: 1/2

GORE:

HUMOR:

OVERALL:

Where am I going? Why is it getting hot? And what am I doing in this handbasket?

2009-12-08T06:22:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the lack in posts, mon petite aubergines. I have been battling the holiday hell that is my family. Trust me, holidays with this bunch requires a black belt, brass knuckles & mace.

I am back with three, count them three, movies on my platter to serve up with the leftover turkey and such. NetherBeast Incorporated, Laid To Rest, and The Box.

I will be posting them probably one a day just to catch up and not overwhelm you, or I could just dump them all on you.

I've got nothing better to do, but I'm sure you have.

"I love you... I have a condom."

2009-11-05T03:55:00.005-05:00

The title of this review are the first lines spoken in this movie. I immediately began laughing so hard I got choked on my mountain dew. I was afraid I got drawn into another movie suggested by Strader that was going to suck. Usually she does have decent taste in movies but she has thrown some doozys my way, but you know me, I'll try anything once.

So I sat there and I watched. It started out with Anna (Emily Browning) being released from the booby hatch. She tried to kill herself after her ailing mother died in a fiery boat house explosion. Anna returns home to her sister Alex (Arielle Kebbel), her father (David Strathairn), and her father's new girlfriend Rachel (Elizabeth Banks) who just happened to be her mother's ex-nurse.

Yeah that's not shady at all.

It was at that time that I had begun to feel like I had seen this somewhere before. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but I knew I had. I continued to watch.

Anna is seeing things. Now when I say things I mean the ghost of her dead mother. Which is well done and quite creepy. She tells Alex who doesn't bat an eye at this. They start to believe that Rachel offed their mommy. Quite honestly, so do you. Why? Rachel is a psycho bitch. I'm talking, Rebecca De Mornay in The Hand that Rocks the Cradle type crazy. Elizabeth Banks does a great job at playing the bitch. She's just plain scary. I love her. The sisters uncover clues to Rachel's hidden past and the plot thickens.

The ending was great. A twist that was pretty damn enjoyable. One I didn't figure out, yet it felt very familiar, but different.

Then it hit me... A Tale of Two Sisters!! Holy crap! I'm watching a remake! What's even more bizarre it's a good remake!! I saw A Tale of Two Sisters years ago and it was a very intense film. Very beautiful. Complete with all kinds of twists. One of the most intriguing stories ever.

By the by... A Tale of Two Sister's poster wins over The Uninvited's poster ANY DAY!

I digress, this is about The Uninvited.

Directed by two relatively new directors, Charles Guard and Thomas Guard, The Uninvited was a huge undertaking. Not only as a remake but as a film unto itself. It was well shot & acted. I enjoyed everything about it.

Everything but that stupid opening line.

I would suggest this movie to anyone who isn't willing to give A Tale of Two Sisters a chance. I know Asian horror isn't everyone's bag.

If it is, see A Tale of Two Sisters first. After that check out The Uninvited. It's not that bad.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:

HUMOR:

OVERALL:

Let's try this once more, this time with hydrofluoric acid.

2009-10-26T07:06:00.004-04:00

I know. I'm a glutton for punishment. I swore that I was done with this franchise. Saw V was enough to leave a bad taste in my mouth. David Hackl crushed my hopes for any answers to the story of Jigsaw. As I said before, Hackl made a damn mess of Saw V.

So what was the only reason I gave Saw VI a chance? Director, Kevin Greutert.

Honestly, I'm glad I did. We got to finally see a lot of the plot holes filled. Granted some of them will never be cleared up but, with horror franchises, you take what you can get.

I don't think I'm going to rehash the story in detail. Mainly because it's the same ol' same ol'. You start from the end of the previous film and end up following someone/someones through the tests that Jigsaw (or one of his lackys) has set up. The only difference in this one, we actually get answers!

All your favorites are back, John (Tobin Bell ), Amanda (Shawnee Smith), Jill (Betsy Russell) and Hoffman (Costas Mandylor). Of course some of them only show up in flashbacks but they answer a lot of questions. What was in Amanda's letter? What was in the box John left to Jill? What is Hoffman's test?

We also get to see the last traps John ever set up himself and they really are fantastic. These may be some of the best traps since the first movie. I really enjoyed the Marry-Go-Round and the Maze traps. Plus the Hydrofluoric Acid trap was pretty gruesome.

All in all, this was much, much better than the last one. It cleared up so many questions. I wish I could say that this was the end. It would be quite fitting. Alas, there is a Saw VII in the works and I hate to say that Hackl is supposed to helm it and it will be in 3D.

Damn you Twisted Pictures, Damn you if it's true.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:

HUMOR:---

OVERALL: 1/2

Things that go bump, thump & growl (the screener edition)

2009-10-23T01:48:00.004-04:00

I have to clarify something before I even begin. I did not see the theatrical release of this film. I saw the screener. It was cut completely different, with different scenes and a totally different ending.

Now with that said I can begin.

The rundown, Paranormal Activity is all about a normal couple, Micha (Micah Sloat) and Katie (Katie Featherston) dealing with some unnatural experiences that have been plaguing Katie since she was eight. Micha goes out and buys a nice video camera and documents everything, and I do mean everything. Bizarre and mundane.

That's about all I can say without giving away anything.

Now there are big differences between the version I saw & the version in theaters. Mainly the way it was edited together and the ending. The ending was changed because of a suggestion by Steven Speilberg. It was changed to a more in your face type of ending. The ending I saw was much more subtle and way more creepy. It was the kind of ending that sticks with you. There was another ending shot that only a few test audiences saw that was a tad more shocking than either of the others. In my opinion the screener ending is the best.

This movie is very slow. Kind of like The Blair Witch Project. A lot of set up was involved to let the audience get to know Micha and Katie. You get to know them and start to feel for them. You realize that Katie is tormented and Micha is a douche. It's not until near the end when you start to feel for Micha.

The effects, what little there are, are fantastic. Especially when you think about the budget, $15,000. You read that right. $15,000. I paid $40,000 for my house! Movies are usually made for a million and that's the cheap B-movies.

Overall Paranormal Activity was a movie that sent chills up my spine. It creeped me out so bad that I had to turn on every light in the house just to go to the bathroom! The screener is a must see. I'm afraid that the theatrical release will pale in comparison. But that will be another review for another time.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:1/2 (only one scene with gore and it was a quick scene.)

HUMOR:

SPOOKINESS:

OVERALL:1/2

Robin's Adventures in Zombieland

2009-10-04T08:30:00.004-04:00

Once again I am faced with a difficult review to write. Like my last one I am afraid this will be one sided. Of course, it's not on the same side as Jennifer's Body. It's way on the other side.

Zombieland is the best horror/comedy/zombie/buddy movie I have seen since Shaun of the Dead. Anyone who knows me knows that that is a big thing to say.

I went into this flick expecting to get a crazy, gory, laugh filled movie. I got that! For the first time I got what I was expecting. It didn't disappoint me in any way.

Zombieland is pretty much Ruben Fleischer's directorial debut. I say pretty much because the other 2 movies are rather forgettable & the other thing is an episode of Jimmy Kimmel. He needs to do more stuff like Zombieland. Please? I'm beggin' Ruben Fleischer!

Written by Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick, Zombieland is all about zombies taking over the world and 4 survivors doing what survivors do, surviving.

Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) is our hero and narrator. Columbus has these rules. They are his rules for survival. Rule #1: Cardio, Rule #2: Beware of Bathrooms... and so on (They are available in video format on YouTube). He is a quirky young man full of fears and phobias that have pretty much kept him alive.

If he were gay he would be Dut. I'm not kidding. Not even a little bit.

He meets up with Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson). This man is an ass kicker who is on a mission to find one thing, a Twinkie. He is a zombie assassin with style. From a banjo to a pair of garden clippers, anything is a weapon in Tallahassee's hands. Columbus and Tallahassee meet up with two sisters Wichita (Emma Stone) & Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) who basically jack them for all their weapons and the Escalade that they were driving.
Now take all this crazy shit that's going on and throw in this massive herd of flesh eating zombies. HA! FUN TIMES!!

I can't stop praising this movie. It had everything a girl like me could want. I will own it when it comes out. I will own the director's cut. I will own the super duper deluxe edition! WHY CAN'T I OWN IT NOW!

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:

HUMOR:

OVERALL:

If I said you had a boring body would you hold it against me?

2009-09-30T04:00:00.006-04:00

I have been putting this review off because I didn't know what to say about this film without ripping it apart. I kind of hoped it was going to be good and I could smile and say I had seen a great movie. I kind of hoped I could type the words "You know, Megan Fox did a good job." Sadly, that is so not the case.

I was going to just type "My momma said if you can't say nothing nice..." and just leave it at that. I think I owe you more than 9 words.

Even now, I am really struggling. It was that bad.

OK, Deep breath.

Jennifer's Body was so boring. It had the potential to be a good horror flick. It really did. So much could have been done! Amanda Seyfried was good in it. Her character was kick ass. I really blame this whole fiasco on Megan Fox's inability to act.

Written by Diablo Cody and directed by Karyn Kusama, it could have been much more. For christ's sake Diablo Cody wrote Juno! Maybe Diablo (By the way the stupidest name in Hollywood.) should just write quirky comedy and leave horror to people who know how to write it. Or maybe she is just a one trick pony.

The movie is basically this. Two BFFs go to a bar, the slutty one aka Megan Fox flirts with the band, who thinks she's a virginal cock tease. The cute, nerdy, better actress aka Amanda Seyfried argues and tries to talk her out of it. The bar catches fire. Slutty goes with the band. Cute and Nerdy goes home. Slutty shows back up at Nerdy's house all beaten up and vomiting up pure nastiness. 24 hours later, Slutty is back to her slutty ways and Nerdy is so damned confused. Then boys start to turn up dead.

At this moment I had to go check my ears for bleeding. Megan Fox's fucking baby talk was giving me a migraine and I honestly thought my brain had ruptured.

There was a fantastic fight between Nerdy and Slutty. Then the loose ends are neatly tied up and a little twist at the end. The effects, tho mostly CG, were pretty good. Nothing that you didn't see on the trailer.

I can't believe I sat through this.

RATINGS:

ACTING: (That one lone skull is for Amanda Seyfried who is awesome.)

GORE:

HUMOR:---

OVERALL:

And Death Keeps On Rolling...

2009-09-06T16:25:00.002-04:00

First it was a plane. Then a deadly car crash. Next an accident on a roller coaster. Now we are back for (insert dramatic music here) THE FINAL DESTINATION. DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!

It's presented in 3D. Everything now is in 3D, Disney 3D, Your momma's 3D. It was cool at first. It's not cool anymore. Please stop. It just gives people a headache. Did Hollywood not learn from the 50's. At least it's not that crappy red/blue 3D.

Death is back. Well technically, Death never really left. It's Death for fuck's sake! This time Death goes to Nascar! Well not really Nascar, but a stock car race that looks a lot like Nascar.
Death is apparently pissed about the standings so he is going to take out a couple of good ol' boys.

It' s the same formula. A group of teens get into an average situation, one of them has a vision of impending doom with gruesome deaths, splatters of blood, lots of people going "AH!" or "EW!" then a snap back to reality. A fight happens. A group of people get thrown out of said situation, and just when you think everyone is safe... BLAMMO! Someone gets it! People freak. The seer is either shunned or thought of as a hero or both. He/She discovers Death's design and the cycle continues. You know the drill. It's been the same for the past 3 movies. No one should be surprised.

The only thing that sets this story apart is they don't even bother to link to flight 180 (even tho the number is seen everywhere.) oh, and of course the 3D!!

Honestly, it wasn't a bad movie. It never has been. It's just it was the same movie. The acting was the same, the story was the same, The deaths were different and pretty damn cool. They always are.

If you really want to see this, see it. You don't need to see it in 3D to enjoy it for what it is. But if you really want to experience the experience watch one of the other Final Destination movies and have a friend throw things at you. Trust me, it will be much pleasurable.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE: (it is very gory.)

HUMOR:

OVERALL:

Jesus H... WHAT!?!!?

2009-09-03T08:56:00.004-04:00

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

I swear to god.

It exists and Me, Dut, Strader, and Poot had a viewing of it. We knew we were going to be in for something. We wasn't too sure what, but we knew it would be something entertaining.

It is a low budget, b-movie, blaspheming, lesbian romp fest with fantastic lines like "You're all up in my Kool-Aid and you don't even know the flava." and "Lesbians. Oh God loves them. They get so much done in a day, ya know" and my favorite "I suggest we harvest another lesbian."

Now I know what you're thinking... "But Robin, this is a horror blog." Yeah, yeah, but how could anyone pass this up. Besides it's my blog. I'll write what I want. It's not like people can sue me for it.... oh wait... shit.

Back to the matter at hand. The plot is spelled out for you in the title. It's about Jesus Christ. He's hunting vampires. Well, there are some lesbians, a luchadore named Santos, Miss Oddbottom, a blind jazz scat singer, Johnny Vegas as himself and did I mention lesbians. There are a lot of those. I'm not kidding. Like Lilith Fair amounts of lesbians. But other than that it's all about the Jesus, and you don't fuck with the Jesus.

Honestly, if the jokers that made this were trying to make a serious horror flick I would be ripping this to shreds right now. As a gory, laughable movie it is perfect! It had all of us almost in tears at several points. The foley on this is awesome. You have classic kung-fu noises and coconut bonks for the fight scenes. The soundtrack was so cheesy that we all said, "Oh my god I need this song for my ringtone." The acting was very bad but in that good Troma-esq way. This movie is a definite renter or even, dare I say it, a buyer.

Hell, I'd own it.

(By the by, I will be reviewing The Final Destination next. I saw it first but this one took president. It was just too good to pass up!)

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:

HUMOR:

OVERALL:

If Walls Could Talk.

2009-08-13T08:44:00.003-04:00

This review really shouldn't take long. I could pad it out with embellishments or some of that thar fancy talkins, but I won't. Instead I will get right to the point.

This movie should have never been made. Honestly it was a waste of everyone's time. Then again Mischa Barton isn't doing too much except going in and out of rehab. Maybe this was part of some weird treatment. If it is, it was very cruel. Not to Mischa, to us!

The story had potential but the execution was lacking. It centers around a magnificent building where some strange murders had taken place. A factory worker that lived there had a penchant for walling up people alive a la "The Cask of Amontillado". He kidnapped several of the tenants and the architect himself and walled them up. Now how cool does that sound! Mischa Barton plays an engineer (HA!) for her families demolition business and it is her job to look at the blue prints and find the best way to knock down the building. When she goes to the building she meets the last few tenants and then strange things happen, mysteries are uncovered, Velma loses her glasses and it turns out it was old man Jenkins in a rubber mask. Or something.

To be honest, I zoned out. I remember seeing Cameron Bright as Jimmy and Deborah Kara Unger as his mom but the acting they delivered was so lack luster I found myself playing Panda Pai Gow Poker on Pogo.com. I have never been that bored by a movie since The Golden Compass.

This movie was so unimpressive. The acting was robotic. The story could have been fantastic. There was no gore. No scares. No tense, suspenseful moments that make you wonder what's gonna happen next.

Just Mischa Barton & that distracting scar on her face. What the hell is that anyway?

My advice on this little gem is don't bother. If you want to watch a movie about a mysterious apartment building go watch the remake of Toolbox Murders. Now that is a good movie.

RATINGS:

ACTING:---

GORE:---

HUMOR:---

OVERALL:--- (I can't even justify one skull.)

This movie wasn't a "Drag".

2009-08-07T07:00:00.008-04:00

Dear Mr. Raimi,
I apologize in assuming that you had lost your balls. You have proved to me that you still have testicles. That you have not lost your sense of horror. I admit I was wrong.

- Robin.

Now that I got that little bit of crow de jour out of the way I can get on with reviewing Sam Raimi's return to horror, Drag Me To Hell. Even tho it was a PG-13 movie I will admit it was what it was. A fun, jumpy, gross fest that dripped of Raimi's style of mixing humor with horror. All it was missing was Mr. Bruce Campbell, but we can thank Burn Notice for that.

I can't say it was Sam Raimi's best, but I can say it was his better.

Our story begins with Christine Brown, played by Alison Lohman. She has a good job, a good boyfriend, played by Justin Long, and a happy life. Enter in an old gypsy woman, played by Lorna Raver. Christine denies the old woman an extension on her loan and this is where it gets bad. A curse was put upon Christine. A bad, foul, disgusting curse. I'm not kidding when I say disgusting.

I almost had to just walk away several times. Mr. Raimi, I tip my vomit bag to you.

Not much gore but full of gross outs. Lots of jumpy scares. Over all I enjoyed this movie more than I thought! If you're a fan of Sam Raimi's horror, buy it. If not at least rent it or get it from netflix. It's worth it.

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Two creepy children for the price of one!!

2009-08-06T06:19:00.007-04:00

Yes folks, it's a blowout bonanza here at the old Macabre Mall. Tonight, just
for you fine folks, is a twofer on evil children!

First off I bring you The Unborn. The story of a girl and her unborn twin. No wait, it's the story of a girl and the GHOST of her unborn twin. Either way, I'm not gonna take too much time to go into the story because the writers didn't take that much time writing it.

Can we say plot holes? I think we can. Shame on you, David S. Goyer

This is the gist. Odette Yustman, who looks a lot like Megan Fox, plays Casey. Casey's eye starts to change color. The eye doctor asks her if she's a twin. She says no, she asks dad. He says yes, but the brother died in the womb. The boy twin, nicknamed Jumby, is now possessing people and causing havoc blah, blah, blah, He's Jumby, Damn it! Some how we work in her crazy momma's suicide, a Grandmother who survived Auschwitz but Casey never knew about her. QUA!?!?

The only bright spot in this entire movie is Gary Oldman. He plays Rabbi Sendak. He was pretty good. But he is Gary Oldman. He's pretty damn good in everything. Sadly he couldn't save this movie, and neither could camel toe.

That's pretty much all I can say about this movie. My advice, if you have to see it download it.

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Next up, Orphan. I can sum this movie up with a conversation I had with Will.

Me- "Well. That was.... A movie."
Will- "I'd hope so, be disappointing if it were a giraffe."
Me- "A giraffe would have been more entertaining."

The story of a couple, John and Kate (I am so not kidding. Played by Vera Farmiga and
Peter Sarsgaard) who had a terrible blow when their baby, surprise, dies in the womb. They decide to adopt.

Enter in Esther, played very well by Isabelle Fuhrman. She is a nine year old girl from Russia who has a passion for painting. She immediately wins the hearts of the Coleman's. She is then adopted & whisked away to live happily ever after with her new family, which also consists of a brother, Daniel and a deaf younger sister, Max. And all is well...

That is, until the little psycho goes ape shit.

There is a twist. It said so in the trailer. A twist you would not believe. Unless you're like me. I figured it out from the trailer. I was hoping it wasn't what I figured out. Nope. It was. I won't give it away or how I figured it out, for fear of invoking Dustin's wrath. Let's just say I've seen something prior that had the same twist.

All in all it was a decent movie. The acting was ok, the plot was ok, the twist was sub-par. One person dies on screen and there were 2 parts involving broken bones that made me cringe. Besides those 3 instances there was no gore. Unless you count the bird.

My advice, rent it or wait till it's available for instant watch if you have Netflix.

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ACTING: 1/2

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Sam Raimi has lost his balls...

2009-05-11T03:41:00.004-04:00

So I'm sitting on the couch, reinstalling on my laptop, chlillin' like a villain, watching the tube and what do I see? A commercial for Drag Me to Hell. This is the new movie from one time horror god, now turned spidey tool Sam Raimi. I kinda got a tingle cause this is Sam's return to horror. I watched with bated breath, Sam + Horror = Good, right? Maybe. This is not the issue right now. The issue isn't the stars or even the story. I haven't seen it yet. The issue is the fact that at the end of the commercial, I hear "Rated PG-13." Fuck me. What happened to horror being rated R?

Evil Dead, Sam Raimi's debut opus was unrated. It was originaly rated X because it was raw and brutal. It was full of total terror goodness! This is PG-13. PG MOTHER FUCKIN' 13!!!! How can you bring full on scares with that kind of rating. It's not just this movie, it's been happening a lot.

I miss the old days of graphic horror and nudity that had no purpose. It must suck to lose your balls.

Aren't you going to invite me in?

2009-04-21T15:41:00.004-04:00

I am very picky about vampire movies, many of my friends know this. I feel that if you are going to make a vampire (And this is vampire not Dracula, totally different in my opinion) film it should show the very animalistic nature of the vampire. The pack mentality, the brute strength, and of course the feeding. I am not a fan of romance mingled with my vampire stories. A little to help the story along is fine, but when it is the main focus I don't care for it. That's right, I am not a Twilight fan. You guessed it.

I'm always looking for good vampire movies. Most of the time I'm handed shit. Sometimes I find a gem. This one was recommended to me by Caine. He watched it and imediately said I would enjoy it. Now I am skeptical when it comes to anything Caine suggests. Helloooo Ankle Biters any one? You can see why I get worried with his choices.

I was planning on watching this and making it part of my 3-B series that I will be starting soon (3 B- flicks, one quick review.) However, as I started to watch it I came to two very quick conclusions. A) "Holy Shit! This is a Swedish movie!" and 2) "This isn't a B movie at all." Who knew?

This was a beautiful film. Simpley put, it was a pleasure to watch. I loved every second of it. Let The Right One In is the story of Oskar and Eli. Oskar is a 12 year old boy who has a penchant for tales of murder and knives. He's bullied and a loner. Eli is a 220 year old vampire that was turned when she was 12. She moves into the apartment next to Oskar with her "helper" Hakan. Oskar and Eli meet one night in the apartment buildings playground and begin to develope a relationship. Meanwhile, there is a rash of murders taking place in the village. Do ya see where this is going? Well trust me, you think you have it figured out then WHAMMO! Big brick wall.

It's truely is a sentimental love story between the children. How they find each other when there is no one else they can depend on is really sweet and touching. But the gore is what warms my heart. There isn't much, but what is there is outstanding! The burns, the dismemberment, the decapitation, OH MY! And the sounds. Wow. I was highly impressed with the foley on this movie. It was very disgusting.

All in all I must say if you can find it, rent it. I am now on the hunt for a copy of it for my collection. In my opinion (and this is only MY opinion, Any Twi-tards out there can just suck it up.) This movie is what Twilight wishes it was. The feelings I feel for Edward and Bella can not hold a candle to the way I feel about Oskar and Eli at the end of this movie.

There are rumors of an American remake. Please don't wait for Hollywood to screw this up. Go watch the Swedish version now.

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I ain't afraid of no ghosts!

2009-03-28T06:30:00.003-04:00

Hello again, I know I have been slacking. I've been watching some serious B-horror & will do a mass review of them. It's just getting time to sit down and write. Now, on to tonight's creature feature.

A Haunting in Connecticut is a tale of a family, rife with personal problems. A child dying of cancer, a Dad with a history of alcoholism, and a Mother trying to cope with everything happening around her. Now take this family & throw them in the middle of a house possessed by evil. Sound familiar? Wondering if the family's last name is Lutz? Well, if you're like me you spotted the resemblance to Amityville right off. But I think they run deeper than that.

The movie is based on a "true story". I hate those words when they are attached to a horror movie. It puts a stigma on the movie right away. Not to mention that this film has already had the story told in a Discovery Channel show by the same name. Already going in it's not looking too good for the film.

I am not going to get into if it was true or not. In my opinion I don't think it really happened. I would rather you make up your own mind about the validity of the story. I'm just here to discuss the film.

The film itself was ok. Not really that scary. The Discovery Channel show was scarier. It starts off pretty slow. once it gets going it's not that bad. You feel for Virginia Madsen as the mom. Having to watch her eldest son Matt, played by Kyle Gallner, suffer with cancer. You see how this family puts everything on hold for him. When the ball gets rolling it's a good effects movie. Some really disgusting parts (one word. Eyelids.) some jumpy parts & some boring parts. It wasn't a masterpeice but it wasn't I Know Who Killed Me either.

Over all I would say the movie is worth watching once. It was fun & enjoyable, just not spectacular. I may see what the DVD holds in the line of special features before I buy it.

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Back to the woods, back to the lake.

2009-02-21T09:52:00.003-05:00

Camp Crystal Lake to be exact. This is the one movie I have been avoiding. This is the one movie I have been bitching and complaining about. Why would you remake a slasher classic? Why? Of course no one could tell me. No one could answer my questions. So I went to see how bad this remake really was.

Boy was I wrong. My friend Dana went with me on this adventure. She is not a horror chick. She has this thing with slicing, puncturing, and stabbing. The reason she went was Jared Padalecki. I don't blame her. He's a cutie. But I digress...

This wasn't a remake. It was another chapter in the story. Directed by Marcus Nispel and produced by my arch nemesis, Michael Bay, I went into this with my hopes very low. I was expecting another train wreck like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. What I got was a very enjoyable movie. It wasn't what you would call a spectacular film. It was a fun movie. It was full of great deaths and some very funny one liners. It upheld the spirit of the franchise very well. Gore, scares, and boobs. Just like the original. I was very pleased.

It starts off perfectly, the rehash of Pamela Voorhees death, the flash forward to modern day with five "teenagers" entering the woods where Camp Crystal Lake used to stand, sex, drugs, and then the inevitable appearance of Jason. Then the killing starts and it really didn't let up. It flashes ahead a month where Jared Padalecki is searching for his sister, one of the five that you see in the beginning, he meets up with a bunch of college kids and the fun ensues! More sex! More pot! More alcohol! More slashing!! YAY SLASHING!

In conclusion, ladies and maniacs, this was a fun movie. The acting was ok. The deaths were awesome. Jason was impressive. I do believe that hell has froze over. Michael Bay has produced a good remake.

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Horror 101

2009-02-20T09:28:00.004-05:00

So, no review right now. I was going to review Kung Fu Mummy (I'm not kidding, it's a real movie) But my Mommers always told me "If you're not going to say anything nice..."

Seriously, it was that bad. Tonight I will be seeing the "remake" of Friday the 13th. I'll review it next.

But for now, let's talk about an adventurous plan.

Lessons in Horror. I am debating writing, in extreme detail, the dissertation on horror. I want to explore every nuance, every sub genre, every scream. I want to go from psychological to slasher. From Aliens to Zombies. Its something I have always wanted to do, I just never had a venue. I was thinking about posting it here in sections but I'm not sure if anyone would read it. I would love to know what you think. Tell me!

Everybody Sing Along!!! It's Opera Time!

2009-02-08T00:50:00.006-05:00

Every once in a while there is a movie that comes along that surprises you, that overwhelms you. Ladies and gents, Repo! The Genetic Opera is one of those films. Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman (Saw 2-4) and starring a fantastic cast featuring the likes of Alexa Vega (Spy Kids) Anthony Stewart Head (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Bill Moseley (The Devil's Rejects), Ogre (Skinny Puppy), Sarah Brightman (Broadway's stage production of Phantom of the Opera), Paul Sorvino (Goodfellas) and Paris Hilton (One Night in Paris HA!). This movie has it all.
Repo is not your ordinary gory slasher flick. Oh no. It's an opera, not a musical, an honest to goodness, practically every word sung, full on, OPERA! Wow. That takes balls to create something like Repo in this day and age.
Repo takes place in the not-so-distant future where the Largo family, Rotti (Sorvino), Luigi (Moseley), Pavi (Ogre) and Amber Sweet (Hilton) have made surgery sheik and affordable with a payment plan. But if you can't pay, the Repo Man will find you and take back your GenCo organs. Then there is Nathan (Head) and his daughter, Shilo (Vega). Nathan is being forced into working as a Repo Man for GenCo by Rotti. He keeps Shilo hidden away from the horrors of the world for fear of losing her like his wife. When Rotti takes Shilo to the Genetic Opera and introduces her to Blind Mag (Brightman), the voice of GenCo, the story really does take a twist.
This was one of the most well written, well directed, well sung movies I have ever seen. I was blown away from the start. Every performance was spot on. Sorvino using that magnificent classically trained voice of his. Mosely & Ogre working off of each other. Sarah Brightman doing what she does best, except this time on the screen instead of the stage. And as much as I hate to admit it, Paris Hilton did a fantastic job as Amber. This movie really is a feast for the ears and the eyes. There is not one bad thing I can say about this movie. Not one. Go out, buy it. Go! NOW! STOP READING AND GO!!!

I do believe this will be the first movie that warrants 5 skulls in all categories!

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OVERALL: TIMES INFINITY!

Crawling out of the dark...

2009-02-07T11:05:00.002-05:00

I am alive! I have just been on a bit of a hiatus. I have been very disappointed in horror as of late and I almost lost my love for it. Almost. I have been rejuvenated by a couple of promising movies on the rise & also by a couple of books. Not to mention a certain video game franchise, of which I have only played the demo.

Anyway, I am back & I have a lot of things brewing.

Keep screaming.

The final peice. Oh wait...

2008-11-02T21:35:00.006-05:00

We were promised this was the end. We were promised that everything would be answered. Ladies And Gents, we were lied to. Not only were we lied to, we were also given what could be the worse movie in the Saw franchise.

If you haven't seen any of the others stop reading now. If you have or you just don't care keep going.

Let's start at what we know. John/Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) is dead. Amanda (Shawnee Smith) is dead. The only one continuing the legacy of Jigsaw, that we know of, is Detective Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) and he's not doing a good job. Really.

I sat there watching it, waiting to be blown away! Have all my questions answered!! Boy was I wrong. It did none of this. It barely kept me entertained. The acting wasn't horrible, it was alright. It was still quite boring.

Seriously, I think I nodded off.

The traps were bad. Bad. The game was horrible. James Wan, we need you! Darren Lynn Bousman, come back to us. I know David Hackl is a new director. I know we should give him a chance. Why in gods name would you jump into something that is established? Why? We may never know the answer. To anything.

Rumor has it that the casting for the next one will be done thru some sort of reality show. What has horror stooped too. God damn it. I am so done.

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Worst Movie Going Experience Ever. Oh and a Review for Quarantine.

2008-10-13T02:13:00.006-04:00

This review will be unlike any I have done in the past and I really hope I never have to write another one like it again. I'm going to talk about the movie, no doubt, but I also want to talk about the night that Dustin, Jodie, and I went to Seneca, South Carolina and had the worse movie experience EVER.

The night started off pretty good. We left early enough that we would have plenty of time to get from Toccoa, Georgia to Seneca, South Carolina. For those not from The Big Taco, the state line is like ten minutes from town, then it's like another twenty minutes to Seneca. The three of us were pretty chill. Just enjoying the ride.
We get to the theater and get our first chuckle of the night. There was a sign just propped up in the corner of a stairwell that said "Additional Parking". Of course we busted out laughing.
As we entered the theater we see a sign explaining that there will be no popcorn tonight because the "popcorn popper done blew up." Welcome to South Carolina, folks!
Dut and I go to the counter, he pulls out his wallet to pay for our tickets and the lady says "Are you students?" Dustin just looks at her dumbfounded and says "Uhh.. uhhh.. No!" That was a boost for our egos! We get our tickets and head up the ramp to the theater. We find our seats & start to sit down. Now I am a curvy girl. I have tits, hips, and ass. Dustin is a thin guy. Jodie is petite too. The seats in this theater were made for fuckin' Kate Moss on a coke binge. All three of us were claustrophobic in these tiny seats! Holy hell.
The previews start and they seemed a bit off. Kind of askew, if you will. Sad thing is, it never got any better. The whole time watching the movie the picture would slip down till you only saw like the tops of the actors heads. I went to complain, not once but twice! The second time they were all just sitting there in the office, staring at each other. They may have been high. It was horrible! So before I go into the actual movie review I want everyone to heed my warnings, AVOID SENECA CINEMAS 8!!

Now, on to the movie. Originally a Spanish movie called [Rec], Quarantine is about a news woman and her camera guy that are following around firefighters in LA for the night shift. They go out on a call and get mysteriously quarantined in this apartment building. Cool, huh? I thought so too. I was wrong.

Starring Jennifer Carpenter (Dexter, The Exorcism of Emily Rose), who was very good as the leading actress, I went into this movie with a tiny glimmer of hope. I never get my hopes up too high for new movies. Hollywood has dashed my hopes against the rocks too many times.

It was slow. The beginning was long and drawn out with way too much set up. By the time they finally got to the apartment building, I was bored and couldn't wait for something, anything to happen. When it finally did I figured out the plot twist right then. The rest of the movie was predictable, laughable and boring. The end of it had already been seen in the commercials and on the damn movie poster!

I know it was supposed to have a documentary feel too it but there was a time when the camera's movements were excessive. There was a time when they started to make Dustin nauseous. Jill, you couldn't handle it. It was like they were intentionally making the camera pan quick, zooming in and out for no reason. It did not help the film at all. I don't think anything on the screen did, however the jokes Dustin, Jodie and I cracked through out the movie did make it hilarious.

In the end, Quarantine wasn't great. The entire movie going experience wasn't great. My suggestion to you is just download the movie. Don't waste your money. Better yet, wait till they release [Rec] here in America and watch it. Can't be any worse than the Americanized version.

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What's "Happening" Now?

2008-10-12T20:34:00.006-04:00

If you have seen the adverts for The Happening, you know that this is M. Night Shyamalan's first R rated picture. This means that this Hitchcock-esq director will have a broader subject matter to delve into. There can be nudity, curse words, and blood galore. This should tickle any horror fan. I was super excited when I saw that he was given the chance to expand! Not only could this movie have all the bloody scares any horror buff could want, it also had some very promising actors. Needless to say I went into the movie expecting a thrill ride to rival any of his previous works. What I got, in my opinion, was something akin to a kiddie ride instead of a roller coaster.

Starring Mark Whalberg, Zooey Deschanel, and John Leguizamo, I went into this with promise. It was hard to see Mark Whalberg as a science teacher. I don't know why. He just didn't seem to fit. It was like he was trying too hard. The same with Leguizamo as the math teacher. It just seemed forced. They didn't give bad performances just unbelievable. Zooey Descanel was better but still a little stiff. The plot was interesting, but it felt like a bunch of environmental propaganda with some really cool suicides thrown in.

It was not really a slow film. It started off grabbing me, but as it went through all the odd happenings I found myself drifting, only perking up when the suicides would happen. "Hmmm do we have milk in the house? Do I have any clean towels? I really like cheese. Oh look! A guy in a lion cage!" I wish the film would have had a deeper explanation and maybe some more suicides. I will give them that. The deaths were fantastic! I enjoyed every one of them. Quite creepy. However according to Will, when the Private used the term "Cheese and Crackers!" that made it epic. I tend to agree that the term "Cheese and Crackers" is the proverbial "shit" I don't think it could save the movie.

All in all The Happening isn't a bad movie. It isn't a good one. It was a one time watcher. If You are in the mood for an M. Night movie I would suggest Unbreakable or The Sixth Sense over The Happening.

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My Reflections (God I'm Sorry) On Mirrors

2008-10-05T17:37:00.004-04:00

Reflections have always seemed other worldly to me. Even as a child, I realized how magical those polished pieces of glass could be. I had a friend named "Lisa" that lived in the mirror that I spoke to all the time. It was later when I discovered they could be frightening. I blame Stephen King's short story "The Reaper's Image" for messing with my head. After I read that tale I covered all the mirrors in my room. When I read about this movie I was a little intrigued.

Directed by Alexandre Aja, I had high hopes for this movie. Aja has never disappointed me. His remake of The Hills Have Eyes is, in my opinion, one of the best remakes I have ever seen. Not to mention High Tension is a great thriller with a fantastic ending. Both of these movies I recommend highly.

Kiefer Sutherland plays a cop that has been let go from the force and takes a security position as night watchman for a burned out department store that was once an insane asylum. Now I know that sounds a bit hokey, but for some strange reason it works. Sutherland starts to see strange visions in the mirrors that are everywhere in this giant store. That's when it starts to get good.

The movie starts off with scares and never lets up. There were times when I found myself truly scared. Which is a big deal, I haven't had a movie scare me in a long time. It wasn't like little "cat" scares either. Oh no. These were honest scares. I enjoyed every one.

The effects are amazing and the story keeps you riveted. It's has a mystery feel to it. You get wrapped up in discovering the who's and whys. The only complaint I had with the movie is when Kiefer Sutherland started to express any other emotion than anger or fear. It seemed a little forced. Not really bad enough to detract from the movie, just a little annoying.

Well, I'm running out of Junior Mints so its time for me to give my opinion. Mirrors is one of the best "new" horror movies I have seen. It's scary, gross & a little heart warming. This is a movie that I will be buying this when it comes out. I would recommend this to any horror fan.

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What makes a good franchise or how I learned to hate Creepshow 3

2008-09-19T11:01:00.007-04:00

Franchises; let’s discuss, Shall we? Throughout horror’s illustrious life in Hollywood there has been many a franchise. You may be asking “Robin, what defines a franchise?” Well I’ll tell you. A franchise, in my opinion, is a series with three or more parts. Now that we got that out of the way I want to talk to you about good franchises and bad ones.

A good franchise is one that stands the test of time. That has, for the most part, all good sequels. Friday the Thirteenth and A Nightmare on Elm Street are the two most people think of. Both of which have had the good sequels and the really lame ones. Then there are bad franchises. The one that springs to mind instantly is Leprechaun. They really should have stopped at the first one. Really, come on, Leprechaun in da Hood? Yeah, umm no thank you.

Then there are those franchises that never should have been. I am speaking of Creepshow 3. Directed by Ana Clavell and James Glenn Dudelson, this was concocted to be the third part of the franchise. Most fans of the first two consider Tales from the Darkside : the Movie to be part three since the television show it was based on was originally pitched to be a Creepshow series, and the movie its self was helmed by many of the same people who worked on the first two Creepshows. The one that I watch tonight should not have been made.

This pitiful attempt at cashing in on George A. Romero & Stephen King’s classic falls horribly short. The first flaw is the fact it didn’t follow the formula of the first two. There was no wrap around story. There was no comic book feel. It was kind of cool how all five stories were intertwined within each other. That was not enough however to make up all the disappointment you feel when you pick up a movie and see a trusted franchise name on it and they basically kick you in the nuts. The second and most noticeable flaw was the horrible acting. Filled with all unknowns, you have to hold your breath when you go into a movie like this. There was one bright light in this dull cast, Emmett McGuire who plays Dr.Drayton. He was hilarious! The gore wasn’t bad. The effects were fairly decent and not a whole lot of computer generated stuff. The dismemberment scene in “the Professor’s Wife” was pretty damn sweet. Nice prosthetics and really good blood, and everybody loves a nice head in the oven gag.

So, as I hit the bottom of my box of popcorn these are my findings on Creepshow 3. If the acting was better, the directing more put together and it didn’t try to piggyback on a classic like Creepshow it may have been a buyer. Alas, I can only recommend you download this one; only if you’re curious and only if you have nothing else to do.

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Show me your skillz

2008-09-17T15:40:00.003-04:00

Down at the bottom of my blog there is a little horror movie game. I want to know how good you are. I got a 98%. I missed 1 out of 50. Can you beat me? Play it & post it.

Introductions all around.

2008-09-17T04:34:00.001-04:00

Hello there. My name is Robin and I am a horror addict. I love all things horror. Horror movies, horror tv shows, horror books. You name it, if it's in the horror genre I will probably dig it. The purpose of this blog is to voice my opinion on horror. Mostly movie reviews, but books and comic books may make an appearance.

So sit back and relax. Pour you a nice cup a joe & settle in. This could be a long night.

Mindset of the Macabre

Same Shit. Different Deaths.

Chain, Chain, Chain...

Paranormal Activity 2. Brought to you in ROB-O-VISION!

Torture! Now in 3D!

Say A Little Prayer

Are You Afraid of Your Shadow?

Making a Case.

Three B's: The inaugural edition!

Up Coming Screamers: My Soul To Take

Sigh...

Up Coming Screamers: A Look at Let Me In

RAH RAH REE! KICK THEM IN THE KNEE!

Up Coming Screamers: A look at The Last Exorcism

Kill the TV, Before it Kills You.

Show me Top 5 Horror Video Games.... *DING DING DING*

It all felt like a bad dream

Rock-a-bye baby.... HOLY CRAP!

YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER!!!!

...Its Whats For Dinner. OK!

You won't see any sparkles here.

Where am I going? Why is it getting hot? And what am I doing in this handbasket?

"I love you... I have a condom."

Let's try this once more, this time with hydrofluoric acid.

Things that go bump, thump & growl (the screener edition)

Robin's Adventures in Zombieland

If I said you had a boring body would you hold it against me?

And Death Keeps On Rolling...

Jesus H... WHAT!?!!?

If Walls Could Talk.

This movie wasn't a "Drag".

Two creepy children for the price of one!!

Sam Raimi has lost his balls...

Aren't you going to invite me in?

I ain't afraid of no ghosts!

Back to the woods, back to the lake.

Horror 101

Everybody Sing Along!!! It's Opera Time!

Crawling out of the dark...

The final peice. Oh wait...

Worst Movie Going Experience Ever. Oh and a Review for Quarantine.

What's "Happening" Now?

My Reflections (God I'm Sorry) On Mirrors

What makes a good franchise or how I learned to hate Creepshow 3

Show me your skillz

Introductions all around.

Show me Top 5 Horror Video Games.... DING DING DING