Jesus H... WHAT!?!!?

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

I swear to god.

It exists and Me, Dut, Strader, and Poot had a viewing of it. We knew we were going to be in for something. We wasn't too sure what, but we knew it would be something entertaining.

It is a low budget, b-movie, blaspheming, lesbian romp fest with fantastic lines like "You're all up in my Kool-Aid and you don't even know the flava." and "Lesbians. Oh God loves them. They get so much done in a day, ya know" and my favorite "I suggest we harvest another lesbian."

Now I know what you're thinking... "But Robin, this is a horror blog." Yeah, yeah, but how could anyone pass this up. Besides it's my blog. I'll write what I want. It's not like people can sue me for it.... oh wait... shit.

Back to the matter at hand. The plot is spelled out for you in the title. It's about Jesus Christ. He's hunting vampires. Well, there are some lesbians, a luchadore named Santos, Miss Oddbottom, a blind jazz scat singer, Johnny Vegas as himself and did I mention lesbians. There are a lot of those. I'm not kidding. Like Lilith Fair amounts of lesbians. But other than that it's all about the Jesus, and you don't fuck with the Jesus.

Honestly, if the jokers that made this were trying to make a serious horror flick I would be ripping this to shreds right now. As a gory, laughable movie it is perfect! It had all of us almost in tears at several points. The foley on this is awesome. You have classic kung-fu noises and coconut bonks for the fight scenes. The soundtrack was so cheesy that we all said, "Oh my god I need this song for my ringtone." The acting was very bad but in that good Troma-esq way. This movie is a definite renter or even, dare I say it, a buyer.

Hell, I'd own it.

(By the by, I will be reviewing The Final Destination next. I saw it first but this one took president. It was just too good to pass up!)

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If Walls Could Talk.

This review really shouldn't take long. I could pad it out with embellishments or some of that thar fancy talkins, but I won't. Instead I will get right to the point.

This movie should have never been made. Honestly it was a waste of everyone's time. Then again Mischa Barton isn't doing too much except going in and out of rehab. Maybe this was part of some weird treatment. If it is, it was very cruel. Not to Mischa, to us!

The story had potential but the execution was lacking. It centers around a magnificent building where some strange murders had taken place. A factory worker that lived there had a penchant for walling up people alive a la "The Cask of Amontillado". He kidnapped several of the tenants and the architect himself and walled them up. Now how cool does that sound! Mischa Barton plays an engineer (HA!) for her families demolition business and it is her job to look at the blue prints and find the best way to knock down the building. When she goes to the building she meets the last few tenants and then strange things happen, mysteries are uncovered, Velma loses her glasses and it turns out it was old man Jenkins in a rubber mask. Or something.

To be honest, I zoned out. I remember seeing Cameron Bright as Jimmy and Deborah Kara Unger as his mom but the acting they delivered was so lack luster I found myself playing Panda Pai Gow Poker on Pogo.com. I have never been that bored by a movie since The Golden Compass.

This movie was so unimpressive. The acting was robotic. The story could have been fantastic. There was no gore. No scares. No tense, suspenseful moments that make you wonder what's gonna happen next.

Just Mischa Barton & that distracting scar on her face. What the hell is that anyway?

My advice on this little gem is don't bother. If you want to watch a movie about a mysterious apartment building go watch the remake of Toolbox Murders. Now that is a good movie.

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This movie wasn't a "Drag".

Dear Mr. Raimi,
I apologize in assuming that you had lost your balls. You have proved to me that you still have testicles. That you have not lost your sense of horror. I admit I was wrong.

- Robin.

Now that I got that little bit of crow de jour out of the way I can get on with reviewing Sam Raimi's return to horror, Drag Me To Hell. Even tho it was a PG-13 movie I will admit it was what it was. A fun, jumpy, gross fest that dripped of Raimi's style of mixing humor with horror. All it was missing was Mr. Bruce Campbell, but we can thank Burn Notice for that.

I can't say it was Sam Raimi's best, but I can say it was his better.

Our story begins with Christine Brown, played by Alison Lohman. She has a good job, a good boyfriend, played by Justin Long, and a happy life. Enter in an old gypsy woman, played by Lorna Raver. Christine denies the old woman an extension on her loan and this is where it gets bad. A curse was put upon Christine. A bad, foul, disgusting curse. I'm not kidding when I say disgusting.

I almost had to just walk away several times. Mr. Raimi, I tip my vomit bag to you.

Not much gore but full of gross outs. Lots of jumpy scares. Over all I enjoyed this movie more than I thought! If you're a fan of Sam Raimi's horror, buy it. If not at least rent it or get it from netflix. It's worth it.

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Two creepy children for the price of one!!

Yes folks, it's a blowout bonanza here at the old Macabre Mall. Tonight, just
for you fine folks, is a twofer on evil children!

First off I bring you The Unborn. The story of a girl and her unborn twin. No wait, it's the story of a girl and the GHOST of her unborn twin. Either way, I'm not gonna take too much time to go into the story because the writers didn't take that much time writing it.

Can we say plot holes? I think we can. Shame on you, David S. Goyer

This is the gist. Odette Yustman, who looks a lot like Megan Fox, plays Casey. Casey's eye starts to change color. The eye doctor asks her if she's a twin. She says no, she asks dad. He says yes, but the brother died in the womb. The boy twin, nicknamed Jumby, is now possessing people and causing havoc blah, blah, blah, He's Jumby, Damn it! Some how we work in her crazy momma's suicide, a Grandmother who survived Auschwitz but Casey never knew about her. QUA!?!?

The only bright spot in this entire movie is Gary Oldman. He plays Rabbi Sendak. He was pretty good. But he is Gary Oldman. He's pretty damn good in everything. Sadly he couldn't save this movie, and neither could camel toe.

That's pretty much all I can say about this movie. My advice, if you have to see it download it.

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Next up, Orphan. I can sum this movie up with a conversation I had with Will.

Me- "Well. That was.... A movie."
Will- "I'd hope so, be disappointing if it were a giraffe."
Me- "A giraffe would have been more entertaining."

The story of a couple, John and Kate (I am so not kidding. Played by Vera Farmiga and
Peter Sarsgaard) who had a terrible blow when their baby, surprise, dies in the womb. They decide to adopt.

Enter in Esther, played very well by Isabelle Fuhrman. She is a nine year old girl from Russia who has a passion for painting. She immediately wins the hearts of the Coleman's. She is then adopted & whisked away to live happily ever after with her new family, which also consists of a brother, Daniel and a deaf younger sister, Max. And all is well...

That is, until the little psycho goes ape shit.

There is a twist. It said so in the trailer. A twist you would not believe. Unless you're like me. I figured it out from the trailer. I was hoping it wasn't what I figured out. Nope. It was. I won't give it away or how I figured it out, for fear of invoking Dustin's wrath. Let's just say I've seen something prior that had the same twist.

All in all it was a decent movie. The acting was ok, the plot was ok, the twist was sub-par. One person dies on screen and there were 2 parts involving broken bones that made me cringe. Besides those 3 instances there was no gore. Unless you count the bird.

My advice, rent it or wait till it's available for instant watch if you have Netflix.

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Sam Raimi has lost his balls...

So I'm sitting on the couch, reinstalling on my laptop, chlillin' like a villain, watching the tube and what do I see? A commercial for Drag Me to Hell. This is the new movie from one time horror god, now turned spidey tool Sam Raimi. I kinda got a tingle cause this is Sam's return to horror. I watched with bated breath, Sam + Horror = Good, right? Maybe. This is not the issue right now. The issue isn't the stars or even the story. I haven't seen it yet. The issue is the fact that at the end of the commercial, I hear "Rated PG-13." Fuck me. What happened to horror being rated R?

Evil Dead, Sam Raimi's debut opus was unrated. It was originaly rated X because it was raw and brutal. It was full of total terror goodness! This is PG-13. PG MOTHER FUCKIN' 13!!!! How can you bring full on scares with that kind of rating. It's not just this movie, it's been happening a lot.

I miss the old days of graphic horror and nudity that had no purpose. It must suck to lose your balls.

Aren't you going to invite me in?

I am very picky about vampire movies, many of my friends know this. I feel that if you are going to make a vampire (And this is vampire not Dracula, totally different in my opinion) film it should show the very animalistic nature of the vampire. The pack mentality, the brute strength, and of course the feeding. I am not a fan of romance mingled with my vampire stories. A little to help the story along is fine, but when it is the main focus I don't care for it. That's right, I am not a Twilight fan. You guessed it.

I'm always looking for good vampire movies. Most of the time I'm handed shit. Sometimes I find a gem. This one was recommended to me by Caine. He watched it and imediately said I would enjoy it. Now I am skeptical when it comes to anything Caine suggests. Helloooo Ankle Biters any one? You can see why I get worried with his choices.

I was planning on watching this and making it part of my 3-B series that I will be starting soon (3 B- flicks, one quick review.) However, as I started to watch it I came to two very quick conclusions. A) "Holy Shit! This is a Swedish movie!" and 2) "This isn't a B movie at all." Who knew?

This was a beautiful film. Simpley put, it was a pleasure to watch. I loved every second of it. Let The Right One In is the story of Oskar and Eli. Oskar is a 12 year old boy who has a penchant for tales of murder and knives. He's bullied and a loner. Eli is a 220 year old vampire that was turned when she was 12. She moves into the apartment next to Oskar with her "helper" Hakan. Oskar and Eli meet one night in the apartment buildings playground and begin to develope a relationship. Meanwhile, there is a rash of murders taking place in the village. Do ya see where this is going? Well trust me, you think you have it figured out then WHAMMO! Big brick wall.

It's truely is a sentimental love story between the children. How they find each other when there is no one else they can depend on is really sweet and touching. But the gore is what warms my heart. There isn't much, but what is there is outstanding! The burns, the dismemberment, the decapitation, OH MY! And the sounds. Wow. I was highly impressed with the foley on this movie. It was very disgusting.

All in all I must say if you can find it, rent it. I am now on the hunt for a copy of it for my collection. In my opinion (and this is only MY opinion, Any Twi-tards out there can just suck it up.) This movie is what Twilight wishes it was. The feelings I feel for Edward and Bella can not hold a candle to the way I feel about Oskar and Eli at the end of this movie.

There are rumors of an American remake. Please don't wait for Hollywood to screw this up. Go watch the Swedish version now.

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