It all felt like a bad dream

OK first off I need to offer my sincerest apologies. My life has been CRAZY these past few and I have been watching movies just not any worth writing about. I know I promised 3 reviews WAAAAAYY back when that I never got around to I'll probably post the reviews soon now that my life has somewhat normalized.

And now for something completely different, and yet very familiar...

I have been dreading this since I read that my arch nemesis, Michael Bay was producing the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street. I'll tell you why.

I was different from all my friends when I was a kid. They all had pictures of New Kids On The Block and the teen star de'jour. Me? I had a life size door poster of Freddy Kruger. I would cut out pics of him from Fango. I was enamored by this monster! A Nightmare on Elm Street was my movie.

I wept openly when I heard of the remake.

Tonight I swallowed my pride and decided to just go for it. I'm not sorry I did. I mean it could have been worse. Billy Bob Thorton was rumored to have been offered the role of Freddy.

"I think your soul would be good with some biscuits and mustard. Maybe some of those french fried potaters. MMM HMMM"

That could have been a DISASTER. Thank heavens for small miracles. Like magnets. It's fuckin' magic. Anyway, back on point.

Freddy Kruger 2.0 was directed by Samuel Bayer. This is Mr. Bayer's first feature. He has mostly been involved in the fine art of music video directing. His directing isn't bad. He's no Wes Craven. Then again, who is? I'm just glad it wasn't edited like a music video. It's scenes are seamless and it flows quite well.

The acting isn't horrible but it isn't stellar either. In the original we got Johnny Depp, in this one we get Kellan Lutz, Thomas Dekker, and in Johnny's role as Nancy's boytoy, Kyle Gallner.

Someone bring Johnny back. None of the guys were memorable. Just eye candy & gore fodder.

The girls in this were better. Rooney Mara played Nancy very well. Meek and unassuming in the beginning and kicking some nightmare ass in the end. Well played indeed. Katie Cassidy was Kris, Nancy's BFF (Tina was her name in the OG ANOES). I must admit she pulled Kris/Tina off as well as Rooney did Nancy. The bedroom scene, while not as intense as the OG was still very good.

Now the big one. Jackie Earle Haley. The man who took over the role as my beloved Fred Kruger. He had some mighty snarky shoes to fill. Robert Englund gave life to the role. He was Freddy. I was terrified that no one could ever play him like Robert did. I was right. Sort of. Haley was a Kruger of another color. Completely different than Robert Englund. He was more creepy with a side of snark. I know that is gonna tick a lot of people off. The reason is we got used to the later incarnations of Freddy. From Nightmare 3 we were given the "Welcome to prime time, bitch" Freddy. This was the beginning of the smart ass Kruger. Lest we forget that he was indeed more creepy and less snarky in parts 1 and 2.
Haley was genius. He was so creepy I sort of felt uncomfortable. Like I needed a shower. He played up the child molester aspect and played down the revenge. You kinda have to over look the voice. If I look away or close my eyes I see Rorschach in my head.

The effects in the movie were pretty good. I was a bit disappointed in the CG Freddy over Nancy's bed. They should have went the OG route and did it with a wall of latex. Much freakier. Freddy's makeup however was SPOT ON. Less wrinkly than Robert Englund's more serious burn victim. Not a ton of gore. Some cuts and open wounds, a few bouts of impalement here and there. Nothing too gory until... well, we'll leave that as a surprise.

All in all not a bad remake. (Curse you Michael Bay. Curse you.)

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OVERALL: 1/2

Rock-a-bye baby.... HOLY CRAP!

Once again I bring you a remake of a cult classic. Now I know I wasn't fond of the original Stepfather, like in the last review but this one is different. I loved It's Alive (1974). It was one of those movies my dad introduced me to. We had a bond over B-movies. Something about that screeching baby mutant just warmed my heart.

I was very interested when I saw that the remake had showed up on my Netflix instant watch. So I might as well give it a shot.

Of course they updated the story. Instead of Lenore and Frank being a married couple, Lenore (Bijou Phillips) is a college girl and Frank (James Murray) is some kind of architect. At first I couldn't figure out why they wanted to change it. Then the plot gods told me.

I digress. They have the baby. It's not normal. Well, it looks normal but its six months premature and bigger than a full term baby. Did I mention when the doctors cut the cord the little bugger went nuts and slaughtered the entire OR? No? Well it did. Only people to survive was Momma and Baby. That's the thing with this kid. It gets scared or threatened it turns into this flesh eating mutant.

Whatever you do, Don't play peek-a-boo with him.

The movie was pretty much the same plot as the original. Well, it was in the same neighborhood as the original. The only thing is it's not a chemical that affects a whole bunch of women, it's Lenore's fault. Not some company. It's her doing.

This wasn't a bad remake. The cg baby of doom was cool and the deaths were pretty gruesome. I don't think it could ever hold a candle to the original. I mean that mutant baby is iconic!!

You can even buy the original baby as a puppet. I got to have this!!

My suggestion is check this out once but go back & watch the original. Much more enjoyable!

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OVERALL: 1/2

YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER!!!!

Let me tell you about the first film to ever put me to sleep.

I was about 13 years old and I was looking for a movie at my local video store. The Stepfather caught my eye, recently acquiring a step parent my self, I thought this should be fun.

It wasn't. I got like half way through when I just passed out. Right out. Like a light. Stone cold sleep.

Fast forward to 2009. Hollywood, being the wealth of creativity that it is, decided to remake The Stepfather. So being hopeful that maybe, just maybe, they could make it a bit better I decided to give it a try.

I was wrong.

The Stepfather starts off introducing you to David Harris (Dylan Walsh). In the opening scene you see the aftermath of his killing spree. You immediately know who he is and what he is about. But then again you knew this from the trailer. David moves to a new town and starts looking for another family. He meets Susan Harding (Sela Ward) in a grocery store with her two younger children. He weasels his way into the family and all is right in his psychopathic brain. Until Susan's oldest son, Michael (Penn Badgley), comes home from military school. He becomes suspicious of his soon to be stepfather and questions arise about David's past.

This is pretty much the story. Every time people get curious of David's past, they die. A neighbor, the ex-husband, Susan's random lesbian friend (or she may have been her sister), all dead. And not in creative ways. All of them by some form of asphyxiation.

BORING.

You can pretty much describe the entire movie as boring. I was hoping the family would have been killed. Then there was Michael's blond, vapid girlfriend who was basically always in her bathing suit or undies. I guess they had to throw something in there so the guys would stay interested.

It didn't work for me and I like boobs.

I fell asleep. I really did. I fell asleep. I guess it was just like the original after all.

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OVERALL: 1/2 of a skull.

...Its Whats For Dinner. OK!

This could be a genius comedy or the most awful horror movie. I think I laughed at this for all the wrong reasons. However, it was entertaining but I kinda feel dirty for enjoying it. Like I may have to take a shower kind of dirty. This movie goes against every fiber of that part of my heart that loves horror. And yet it sings to the part of my heart that loves stupid comedy.

I am torn.

The Cook was directed by Gregg Simon. He's only done like three other movies none of which I have heard of. It stars... well people I've never heard of and may never hear of again.

It's plot is simple. Hot sorority chicks get a new cook from Hungary (Lame Joke.) who barely speaks English. The two phrases he can muster are "I am cook" and "OK!". He's a fantastic cook. His specialty is co-eds. Co-ed sloppy joes, co-ed hash, pretty much an all human diet. Yummy. Oh I'm not giving anything away here. After he kills his first victim he tells another girl in, what I'm guessing is Hungarian, that he killed her friend and she ate her. She just smiled and laughed.

The deaths were so so and every time he offed one of the rocket surgeons he would scream and yell OK! That truely cracked me up!! I think that's why I enjoyed this. I laughed all thru it. Because it was so damned ridiculous. God help me I laughed.

This movie is filled with gore, cannibalism, lesbian dominatrix teaching a christian girl how to be a slave, boobs, and rampant drug use.

This isn't a warning, I'm just stating the facts. A crazy, nutty, string of facts.

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ACTING:1/2

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You won't see any sparkles here.

I can't tell you how happy I am to have seen this movie. Even the crappy people I had to deal with could not have ruined my night. I got to see the re-birth of the vampire movie. No whiny, brooding, sickly looking, emo, sparkling in the sun vampires here. Oh no. This is the real thing.

The real GORY thing.

Daybreakers is written and Directed by The Spierig Brothers (Michael Spierig Peter Spierig) who also brought us Undead. They bring to life the world of 2019 where vampires have taken over and humans are nothing but cattle. Problem is the cows are running dry. Human blood is dwindling down. Something needs to be done soon or the vampires will regress into creatures called "subsiders". Basically the lack of human blood or, in some cases, the feeding on other vamps make them regress into a more animalistic form.

I would like to take this moment and talk about the hero of this piece. Ethan Hawke plays Edward Dalton. Yes, the main vampire in this movie is named Edward. This is when I busted out laughing in the theater. Really Speirigs. Could you have at least went with Sam or Joe. WHY EDWARD!?!?!?!

Anywho... Edward (HAHA) is a Hematologist who is working on an answer to the problem at hand. He is being pressured to find a blood substitute by his boss Charles Bromly (Sam Neill). However, Edward (giggle) is a vampire with a conscience. He thinks that the human race should be saved. This puts him at odds with, well, pretty much everyone he knows including his brother Frankie (Michael Dorman) who just happens to be a human hunting soldier.

Driving home from work Edward (snicker) has a little fender bender with a group of wayward humans, led by Audrey (Claudia Karvan). Instead of turning them in he helps them out and gains Audrey's trust. She introduces him to Lionel aka Elvis, played marvelously by Willem Dafoe. Elvis claims to have a cure for vampirism. Edward (chortle) now has a new mission. Perfecting the cure.

I, like most people, are sick to death of vampires. With all the onslaught of romanced based, pre-pubescent, non- horror vampire stories out there I was super surprised that this movie was good. I really couldn't believe how much I enjoyed it.

The story was amazing. Not too much romance, just a smidge. There was gore and explosions and a car chase scene that had me LITERALLY on the edge of my seat. Willem Dafoe was hilarious with the wise cracks. The Spierigs worked in little nuances here and there that was amazingly effective in this film.

I love vampires again because of this film. And that is a a great feat.


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ACTING: 1/2

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Where am I going? Why is it getting hot? And what am I doing in this handbasket?

Sorry for the lack in posts, mon petite aubergines. I have been battling the holiday hell that is my family. Trust me, holidays with this bunch requires a black belt, brass knuckles & mace.

I am back with three, count them three, movies on my platter to serve up with the leftover turkey and such. NetherBeast Incorporated, Laid To Rest, and The Box.

I will be posting them probably one a day just to catch up and not overwhelm you, or I could just dump them all on you.

I've got nothing better to do, but I'm sure you have.