...Its Whats For Dinner. OK!

This could be a genius comedy or the most awful horror movie. I think I laughed at this for all the wrong reasons. However, it was entertaining but I kinda feel dirty for enjoying it. Like I may have to take a shower kind of dirty. This movie goes against every fiber of that part of my heart that loves horror. And yet it sings to the part of my heart that loves stupid comedy.

I am torn.

The Cook was directed by Gregg Simon. He's only done like three other movies none of which I have heard of. It stars... well people I've never heard of and may never hear of again.

It's plot is simple. Hot sorority chicks get a new cook from Hungary (Lame Joke.) who barely speaks English. The two phrases he can muster are "I am cook" and "OK!". He's a fantastic cook. His specialty is co-eds. Co-ed sloppy joes, co-ed hash, pretty much an all human diet. Yummy. Oh I'm not giving anything away here. After he kills his first victim he tells another girl in, what I'm guessing is Hungarian, that he killed her friend and she ate her. She just smiled and laughed.

The deaths were so so and every time he offed one of the rocket surgeons he would scream and yell OK! That truely cracked me up!! I think that's why I enjoyed this. I laughed all thru it. Because it was so damned ridiculous. God help me I laughed.

This movie is filled with gore, cannibalism, lesbian dominatrix teaching a christian girl how to be a slave, boobs, and rampant drug use.

This isn't a warning, I'm just stating the facts. A crazy, nutty, string of facts.

RATINGS:

ACTING:1/2

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You won't see any sparkles here.

I can't tell you how happy I am to have seen this movie. Even the crappy people I had to deal with could not have ruined my night. I got to see the re-birth of the vampire movie. No whiny, brooding, sickly looking, emo, sparkling in the sun vampires here. Oh no. This is the real thing.

The real GORY thing.

Daybreakers is written and Directed by The Spierig Brothers (Michael Spierig Peter Spierig) who also brought us Undead. They bring to life the world of 2019 where vampires have taken over and humans are nothing but cattle. Problem is the cows are running dry. Human blood is dwindling down. Something needs to be done soon or the vampires will regress into creatures called "subsiders". Basically the lack of human blood or, in some cases, the feeding on other vamps make them regress into a more animalistic form.

I would like to take this moment and talk about the hero of this piece. Ethan Hawke plays Edward Dalton. Yes, the main vampire in this movie is named Edward. This is when I busted out laughing in the theater. Really Speirigs. Could you have at least went with Sam or Joe. WHY EDWARD!?!?!?!

Anywho... Edward (HAHA) is a Hematologist who is working on an answer to the problem at hand. He is being pressured to find a blood substitute by his boss Charles Bromly (Sam Neill). However, Edward (giggle) is a vampire with a conscience. He thinks that the human race should be saved. This puts him at odds with, well, pretty much everyone he knows including his brother Frankie (Michael Dorman) who just happens to be a human hunting soldier.

Driving home from work Edward (snicker) has a little fender bender with a group of wayward humans, led by Audrey (Claudia Karvan). Instead of turning them in he helps them out and gains Audrey's trust. She introduces him to Lionel aka Elvis, played marvelously by Willem Dafoe. Elvis claims to have a cure for vampirism. Edward (chortle) now has a new mission. Perfecting the cure.

I, like most people, are sick to death of vampires. With all the onslaught of romanced based, pre-pubescent, non- horror vampire stories out there I was super surprised that this movie was good. I really couldn't believe how much I enjoyed it.

The story was amazing. Not too much romance, just a smidge. There was gore and explosions and a car chase scene that had me LITERALLY on the edge of my seat. Willem Dafoe was hilarious with the wise cracks. The Spierigs worked in little nuances here and there that was amazingly effective in this film.

I love vampires again because of this film. And that is a a great feat.


RATINGS:

ACTING: 1/2

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Where am I going? Why is it getting hot? And what am I doing in this handbasket?

Sorry for the lack in posts, mon petite aubergines. I have been battling the holiday hell that is my family. Trust me, holidays with this bunch requires a black belt, brass knuckles & mace.

I am back with three, count them three, movies on my platter to serve up with the leftover turkey and such. NetherBeast Incorporated, Laid To Rest, and The Box.

I will be posting them probably one a day just to catch up and not overwhelm you, or I could just dump them all on you.

I've got nothing better to do, but I'm sure you have.

"I love you... I have a condom."

The title of this review are the first lines spoken in this movie. I immediately began laughing so hard I got choked on my mountain dew. I was afraid I got drawn into another movie suggested by Strader that was going to suck. Usually she does have decent taste in movies but she has thrown some doozys my way, but you know me, I'll try anything once.

So I sat there and I watched. It started out with Anna (Emily Browning) being released from the booby hatch. She tried to kill herself after her ailing mother died in a fiery boat house explosion. Anna returns home to her sister Alex (Arielle Kebbel), her father (David Strathairn), and her father's new girlfriend Rachel (Elizabeth Banks) who just happened to be her mother's ex-nurse.

Yeah that's not shady at all.

It was at that time that I had begun to feel like I had seen this somewhere before. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but I knew I had. I continued to watch.

Anna is seeing things. Now when I say things I mean the ghost of her dead mother. Which is well done and quite creepy. She tells Alex who doesn't bat an eye at this. They start to believe that Rachel offed their mommy. Quite honestly, so do you. Why? Rachel is a psycho bitch. I'm talking, Rebecca De Mornay in The Hand that Rocks the Cradle type crazy. Elizabeth Banks does a great job at playing the bitch. She's just plain scary. I love her. The sisters uncover clues to Rachel's hidden past and the plot thickens.

The ending was great. A twist that was pretty damn enjoyable. One I didn't figure out, yet it felt very familiar, but different.


Then it hit me... A Tale of Two Sisters!! Holy crap! I'm watching a remake! What's even more bizarre it's a good remake!! I saw A Tale of Two Sisters years ago and it was a very intense film. Very beautiful. Complete with all kinds of twists. One of the most intriguing stories ever.

By the by... A Tale of Two Sister's poster wins over The Uninvited's poster ANY DAY!

I digress, this is about The Uninvited.

Directed by two relatively new directors, Charles Guard and Thomas Guard, The Uninvited was a huge undertaking. Not only as a remake but as a film unto itself. It was well shot & acted. I enjoyed everything about it.

Everything but that stupid opening line.

I would suggest this movie to anyone who isn't willing to give A Tale of Two Sisters a chance. I know Asian horror isn't everyone's bag.

If it is, see A Tale of Two Sisters first. After that check out The Uninvited. It's not that bad.

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Let's try this once more, this time with hydrofluoric acid.

I know. I'm a glutton for punishment. I swore that I was done with this franchise. Saw V was enough to leave a bad taste in my mouth. David Hackl crushed my hopes for any answers to the story of Jigsaw. As I said before, Hackl made a damn mess of Saw V.

So what was the only reason I gave Saw VI a chance? Director, Kevin Greutert.

Honestly, I'm glad I did. We got to finally see a lot of the plot holes filled. Granted some of them will never be cleared up but, with horror franchises, you take what you can get.

I don't think I'm going to rehash the story in detail. Mainly because it's the same ol' same ol'. You start from the end of the previous film and end up following someone/someones through the tests that Jigsaw (or one of his lackys) has set up. The only difference in this one, we actually get answers!

All your favorites are back, John (Tobin Bell ), Amanda (Shawnee Smith), Jill (Betsy Russell) and Hoffman (Costas Mandylor). Of course some of them only show up in flashbacks but they answer a lot of questions. What was in Amanda's letter? What was in the box John left to Jill? What is Hoffman's test?

We also get to see the last traps John ever set up himself and they really are fantastic. These may be some of the best traps since the first movie. I really enjoyed the Marry-Go-Round and the Maze traps. Plus the Hydrofluoric Acid trap was pretty gruesome.

All in all, this was much, much better than the last one. It cleared up so many questions. I wish I could say that this was the end. It would be quite fitting. Alas, there is a Saw VII in the works and I hate to say that Hackl is supposed to helm it and it will be in 3D.

Damn you Twisted Pictures, Damn you if it's true.

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OVERALL: 1/2