Three B's: The inaugural edition!

I talked about doing this for a while. I watch a lot of movies that I don't rate cause either they are; A. stupid as a bag of oatmeal or #2. boring as all get out. So I had this idea to take the worst of the worse and compile a triple dose of dratch. None of these will have the normal ratings. None of these flicks are worth the effort. I will, however, give you my opinion on these pieces of... um... art?

For the first little taste of terrible I bring you Psycho Ward. I think this movie was about a decommissioned prison. Or was it a hospital? I'm not sure. All I know was that they kept calling it a prison but it looked like a nut house. A group of college age kids (surprise, surprise) are "thrill seekers/geocashers/ghost hunters/what the fuck ever" and they go into this haunted prison (hospital). They have the usual shenanigans. Someone turns up missing or dead or something.

Honestly I couldn't tell you the first thing about the story. All I know is that I was watching it and talking to two of my friends. I look up and some chick has nutted up on some guy. I look down. I look up, now there is a crazy person with a green mask on chasing them around the hospital (prison). Look again, I'm on a horse.

I don't even know how it ended. I just know I had to turn off the god awful music that was blaring over the credits.
My suggestion for this movie- Forget Psycho Ward... Watch Psycho instead.

The next tale of terrible is called Murder-Set-Pieces. Again, not sure what the actual plot is... It has something to do with a German photographer, who specializes in naked women. The German's girlfriend and her, what seems to be, 12 year old sister. The girlfriend loves him without fail. The little sister doesn't trust him. Always listen to the little sister. The German is a psycho. He has issues with women and really likes to fuck them and then kill them. I'm still not sure why. I think it has something to do with his Mother or Nazis or both.

Sadly enough there is talent in this film. In one scene, The German did buy a gun from Gunnar Hansen, who is billed as Nazi Mechanic. In another, Tony Todd is a clerk in a porn store that this German asshole attacks! TONY MOTHERFUCKIN' TODD!!! Plus Edwin Neal shows up as a good Samaritan that warns the little sister about the dangers of hitchhiking! OK, that part was funny.

Leatherface, Candyman, and The Hitchhiker.... Oh how the mighty have fallen.
I think I finally gave up when the German went to the psychic then showed up at some German woman's house then has nightmares about 9/11. I have no fucking clue what is going on at this point. CHECK PLEASE!

My suggestion- Grab any two novels off your book shelf and rip them apart. Paste them back together all willy nilly. That amalgam of words will make more sense.

My last offering of the evening is a Shyamalanian (If that's not a word it is now.) tale of six strangers, stranded in a rural funeral home, where people stop being polite and the story gets surreal... The Morgue!

It's a slow flick. It's got a twist. It's not a hard twist, nor is it original, but it is there. It's not as bad as the first two. All in all I must say this movie was semi-watchable. This is actually the second time watching it. The first time thru I watched it with Blake. I'm pretty sure I know why I couldn't remember details about this movie, except that the chick from The Blair Witch Project is in it. *cough cough*

I did remember the ending tho. I remember figuring out what was going on about 15 minutes into the thing. I also remember yelling at the TV "If ya put some soap and water on that sponge you might clean that stain off the wall!"

That's about all I do remember. After double viewings, this movie left no impression on me what so ever. It wasn't horrible. It was just... bland and predictable.

My suggestion- Watch it if you're board and see how long it takes for you to figure it out.

There you have it, my first installment of Three B's. I'd like to know what you think. Let me know in the comments or email me at Ninjakiss (at) Live dot Com.

Later!

RAH RAH REE! KICK THEM IN THE KNEE!

You know, ladies & gentlemens, there are somethings one must not do while one is in an "altered state". I'm not going to go into how my "state" was "altered" but let's just say I was. One of those said things is choose what movies sound like a good idea.

This is the results.

Me and Poot were sitting on the Nanny couch scoping out the ol' Netflix instant watch when, in our "altered state", we saw a movie that we knew would be just so AWESOMELY BAD we had to watch it. Cheerleader Autopsy.

(Cue music sting now!)

As some of you may know I love B movies. I really do. It comes from my long time obsession with Troma and a heavy influence from my Dad. This movie really does embrace B-ness so much it is unfathomable.

Directed and written by Stuart Doge... Well... This is the only thing by Stuart Doge! For god sakes, it was shot on what looks to be a HD camcorder! Poot and I knew it was going to be bad! SHE EVEN SAID "This is going to suck." AND WE STILL WATCHED!!!

*ahem*

Cheerleader Autopsy actually has a plot, believe it or not, Mr. Ripley. It's the story of The Fighting Beavers cheerleading squad! A squad consisting of 5 whole members. One who I think is Australian and might be a Suicide Girl. I think I've seen her naked. The first thing they do is shove the most obvious joke down our throat with a sign that said "You can't lick our Beavers." I saw the SAME damn sign 5 times. Making sure that those people who are complete simpletons get it too.

How nice.

The squad are on their way to regionals or nationals or something. It really doesn't matter. None of this matters. All you have to know is that they all get horribly killed in a freak bus accident. All but one. She is like the topless B-movie actress highlander. Only missing both legs, an arm, and she looks like Two-Face.

SIDE STORY!!! There is some frat dude who gets kicked out of college and goes to work for his uncle in a small town. His uncle is the coroner and sheriff. Guess where the cheerleaders died? Come to find out his uncle is selling unclaimed bodies to a dog food company. Did I mention there is also a creepy janitor who has a baby dick and likes to play like Dr.Frankenstein in his spare time. He also has a childhood grudge against the nephew?

It just keeps getting better!

As I said before, this doesn't matter. You do not watch this movie for plot or acting. You watch it for the sheer absurdity that is Cheerleader Autopsy. You watch it for the obviously fake rubber cadavers. You watch for lines like "She has grass in her snatch." You watch cause it was filmed in Georgia and you can tell! You watch for stupid sound effects. I swear they used a slide whistle. Then again I may have imagined that.

So in conclusion I have to say that this wonderful movie shouldn't be viewed seriously unless you seriously love crap. However, if you want a good laugh might I suggest you pick this, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, and the classic Redneck Zombies up and just have a B-Movie fest.

It wouldn't hurt to visit an "altered state" either.

RATINGS:

ACTING: (It really was bad.)

GORE:

HUMOR:

OVERALL: