Saturday, January 16, 2010

...Its Whats For Dinner. OK!

This could be a genius comedy or the most awful horror movie. I think I laughed at this for all the wrong reasons. However, it was entertaining but I kinda feel dirty for enjoying it. Like I may have to take a shower kind of dirty. This movie goes against every fiber of that part of my heart that loves horror. And yet it sings to the part of my heart that loves stupid comedy.

I am torn.

The Cook was directed by Gregg Simon. He's only done like three other movies none of which I have heard of. It stars... well people I've never heard of and may never hear of again.

It's plot is simple. Hot sorority chicks get a new cook from Hungary (Lame Joke.) who barely speaks English. The two phrases he can muster are "I am cook" and "OK!". He's a fantastic cook. His specialty is co-eds. Co-ed sloppy joes, co-ed hash, pretty much an all human diet. Yummy. Oh I'm not giving anything away here. After he kills his first victim he tells another girl in, what I'm guessing is Hungarian, that he killed her friend and she ate her. She just smiled and laughed.

The deaths were so so and every time he offed one of the rocket surgeons he would scream and yell OK! That truely cracked me up!! I think that's why I enjoyed this. I laughed all thru it. Because it was so damned ridiculous. God help me I laughed.

This movie is filled with gore, cannibalism, lesbian dominatrix teaching a christian girl how to be a slave, boobs, and rampant drug use.

This isn't a warning, I'm just stating the facts. A crazy, nutty, string of facts.






Sunday, January 10, 2010

You won't see any sparkles here.

I can't tell you how happy I am to have seen this movie. Even the crappy people I had to deal with could not have ruined my night. I got to see the re-birth of the vampire movie. No whiny, brooding, sickly looking, emo, sparkling in the sun vampires here. Oh no. This is the real thing.

The real GORY thing.

Daybreakers is written and Directed by The Spierig Brothers (Michael Spierig Peter Spierig) who also brought us Undead. They bring to life the world of 2019 where vampires have taken over and humans are nothing but cattle. Problem is the cows are running dry. Human blood is dwindling down. Something needs to be done soon or the vampires will regress into creatures called "subsiders". Basically the lack of human blood or, in some cases, the feeding on other vamps make them regress into a more animalistic form.

I would like to take this moment and talk about the hero of this piece. Ethan Hawke plays Edward Dalton. Yes, the main vampire in this movie is named Edward. This is when I busted out laughing in the theater. Really Speirigs. Could you have at least went with Sam or Joe. WHY EDWARD!?!?!?!

Anywho... Edward (HAHA) is a Hematologist who is working on an answer to the problem at hand. He is being pressured to find a blood substitute by his boss Charles Bromly (Sam Neill). However, Edward (giggle) is a vampire with a conscience. He thinks that the human race should be saved. This puts him at odds with, well, pretty much everyone he knows including his brother Frankie (Michael Dorman) who just happens to be a human hunting soldier.

Driving home from work Edward (snicker) has a little fender bender with a group of wayward humans, led by Audrey (Claudia Karvan). Instead of turning them in he helps them out and gains Audrey's trust. She introduces him to Lionel aka Elvis, played marvelously by Willem Dafoe. Elvis claims to have a cure for vampirism. Edward (chortle) now has a new mission. Perfecting the cure.

I, like most people, are sick to death of vampires. With all the onslaught of romanced based, pre-pubescent, non- horror vampire stories out there I was super surprised that this movie was good. I really couldn't believe how much I enjoyed it.

The story was amazing. Not too much romance, just a smidge. There was gore and explosions and a car chase scene that had me LITERALLY on the edge of my seat. Willem Dafoe was hilarious with the wise cracks. The Spierigs worked in little nuances here and there that was amazingly effective in this film.

I love vampires again because of this film. And that is a a great feat.


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