Saturday, June 12, 2010
You know, ladies & gentlemens, there are somethings one must not do while one is in an "altered state". I'm not going to go into how my "state" was "altered" but let's just say I was. One of those said things is choose what movies sound like a good idea.
This is the results.
Me and Poot were sitting on the Nanny couch scoping out the ol' Netflix instant watch when, in our "altered state", we saw a movie that we knew would be just so AWESOMELY BAD we had to watch it. Cheerleader Autopsy.
(Cue music sting now!)
As some of you may know I love B movies. I really do. It comes from my long time obsession with Troma and a heavy influence from my Dad. This movie really does embrace B-ness so much it is unfathomable.
Directed and written by Stuart Doge... Well... This is the only thing by Stuart Doge! For god sakes, it was shot on what looks to be a HD camcorder! Poot and I knew it was going to be bad! SHE EVEN SAID "This is going to suck." AND WE STILL WATCHED!!!
Cheerleader Autopsy actually has a plot, believe it or not, Mr. Ripley. It's the story of The Fighting Beavers cheerleading squad! A squad consisting of 5 whole members. One who I think is Australian and might be a Suicide Girl. I think I've seen her naked. The first thing they do is shove the most obvious joke down our throat with a sign that said "You can't lick our Beavers." I saw the SAME damn sign 5 times. Making sure that those people who are complete simpletons get it too.
The squad are on their way to regionals or nationals or something. It really doesn't matter. None of this matters. All you have to know is that they all get horribly killed in a freak bus accident. All but one. She is like the topless B-movie actress highlander. Only missing both legs, an arm, and she looks like Two-Face.
SIDE STORY!!! There is some frat dude who gets kicked out of college and goes to work for his uncle in a small town. His uncle is the coroner and sheriff. Guess where the cheerleaders died? Come to find out his uncle is selling unclaimed bodies to a dog food company. Did I mention there is also a creepy janitor who has a baby dick and likes to play like Dr.Frankenstein in his spare time. He also has a childhood grudge against the nephew?
It just keeps getting better!
As I said before, this doesn't matter. You do not watch this movie for plot or acting. You watch it for the sheer absurdity that is Cheerleader Autopsy. You watch it for the obviously fake rubber cadavers. You watch for lines like "She has grass in her snatch." You watch cause it was filmed in Georgia and you can tell! You watch for stupid sound effects. I swear they used a slide whistle. Then again I may have imagined that.
So in conclusion I have to say that this wonderful movie shouldn't be viewed seriously unless you seriously love crap. However, if you want a good laugh might I suggest you pick this, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, and the classic Redneck Zombies up and just have a B-Movie fest.
It wouldn't hurt to visit an "altered state" either.
ACTING: (It really was bad.)