Wednesday, September 30, 2009

If I said you had a boring body would you hold it against me?

I have been putting this review off because I didn't know what to say about this film without ripping it apart. I kind of hoped it was going to be good and I could smile and say I had seen a great movie. I kind of hoped I could type the words "You know, Megan Fox did a good job." Sadly, that is so not the case.

I was going to just type "My momma said if you can't say nothing nice..." and just leave it at that. I think I owe you more than 9 words.

Even now, I am really struggling. It was that bad.

OK, Deep breath.

Jennifer's Body was so boring. It had the potential to be a good horror flick. It really did. So much could have been done! Amanda Seyfried was good in it. Her character was kick ass. I really blame this whole fiasco on Megan Fox's inability to act.

Written by Diablo Cody and directed by Karyn Kusama, it could have been much more. For christ's sake Diablo Cody wrote Juno! Maybe Diablo (By the way the stupidest name in Hollywood.) should just write quirky comedy and leave horror to people who know how to write it. Or maybe she is just a one trick pony.

The movie is basically this. Two BFFs go to a bar, the slutty one aka Megan Fox flirts with the band, who thinks she's a virginal cock tease. The cute, nerdy, better actress aka Amanda Seyfried argues and tries to talk her out of it. The bar catches fire. Slutty goes with the band. Cute and Nerdy goes home. Slutty shows back up at Nerdy's house all beaten up and vomiting up pure nastiness. 24 hours later, Slutty is back to her slutty ways and Nerdy is so damned confused. Then boys start to turn up dead.

At this moment I had to go check my ears for bleeding. Megan Fox's fucking baby talk was giving me a migraine and I honestly thought my brain had ruptured.

There was a fantastic fight between Nerdy and Slutty. Then the loose ends are neatly tied up and a little twist at the end. The effects, tho mostly CG, were pretty good. Nothing that you didn't see on the trailer.

I can't believe I sat through this.


ACTING:Photobucket (That one lone skull is for Amanda Seyfried who is awesome.)




Sunday, September 6, 2009

And Death Keeps On Rolling...

First it was a plane. Then a deadly car crash. Next an accident on a roller coaster. Now we are back for (insert dramatic music here) THE FINAL DESTINATION. DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!

It's presented in 3D. Everything now is in 3D, Disney 3D, Your momma's 3D. It was cool at first. It's not cool anymore. Please stop. It just gives people a headache. Did Hollywood not learn from the 50's. At least it's not that crappy red/blue 3D.

Death is back. Well technically, Death never really left. It's Death for fuck's sake! This time Death goes to Nascar! Well not really Nascar, but a stock car race that looks a lot like Nascar.
Death is apparently pissed about the standings so he is going to take out a couple of good ol' boys.

It' s the same formula. A group of teens get into an average situation, one of them has a vision of impending doom with gruesome deaths, splatters of blood, lots of people going "AH!" or "EW!" then a snap back to reality. A fight happens. A group of people get thrown out of said situation, and just when you think everyone is safe... BLAMMO! Someone gets it! People freak. The seer is either shunned or thought of as a hero or both. He/She discovers Death's design and the cycle continues. You know the drill. It's been the same for the past 3 movies. No one should be surprised.

The only thing that sets this story apart is they don't even bother to link to flight 180 (even tho the number is seen everywhere.) oh, and of course the 3D!!

Honestly, it wasn't a bad movie. It never has been. It's just it was the same movie. The acting was the same, the story was the same, The deaths were different and pretty damn cool. They always are.

If you really want to see this, see it. You don't need to see it in 3D to enjoy it for what it is. But if you really want to experience the experience watch one of the other Final Destination movies and have a friend throw things at you. Trust me, it will be much pleasurable.



GORE:PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket (it is very gory.)



Thursday, September 3, 2009

Jesus H... WHAT!?!!?

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

I swear to god.

It exists and Me, Dut, Strader, and Poot had a viewing of it. We knew we were going to be in for something. We wasn't too sure what, but we knew it would be something entertaining.

It is a low budget, b-movie, blaspheming, lesbian romp fest with fantastic lines like "You're all up in my Kool-Aid and you don't even know the flava." and "Lesbians. Oh God loves them. They get so much done in a day, ya know" and my favorite "I suggest we harvest another lesbian."

Now I know what you're thinking... "But Robin, this is a horror blog." Yeah, yeah, but how could anyone pass this up. Besides it's my blog. I'll write what I want. It's not like people can sue me for it.... oh wait... shit.

Back to the matter at hand. The plot is spelled out for you in the title. It's about Jesus Christ. He's hunting vampires. Well, there are some lesbians, a luchadore named Santos, Miss Oddbottom, a blind jazz scat singer, Johnny Vegas as himself and did I mention lesbians. There are a lot of those. I'm not kidding. Like Lilith Fair amounts of lesbians. But other than that it's all about the Jesus, and you don't fuck with the Jesus.

Honestly, if the jokers that made this were trying to make a serious horror flick I would be ripping this to shreds right now. As a gory, laughable movie it is perfect! It had all of us almost in tears at several points. The foley on this is awesome. You have classic kung-fu noises and coconut bonks for the fight scenes. The soundtrack was so cheesy that we all said, "Oh my god I need this song for my ringtone." The acting was very bad but in that good Troma-esq way. This movie is a definite renter or even, dare I say it, a buyer.

Hell, I'd own it.

(By the by, I will be reviewing The Final Destination next. I saw it first but this one took president. It was just too good to pass up!)