Three B's: The inaugural edition!

I talked about doing this for a while. I watch a lot of movies that I don't rate cause either they are; A. stupid as a bag of oatmeal or #2. boring as all get out. So I had this idea to take the worst of the worse and compile a triple dose of dratch. None of these will have the normal ratings. None of these flicks are worth the effort. I will, however, give you my opinion on these pieces of... um... art?

For the first little taste of terrible I bring you Psycho Ward. I think this movie was about a decommissioned prison. Or was it a hospital? I'm not sure. All I know was that they kept calling it a prison but it looked like a nut house. A group of college age kids (surprise, surprise) are "thrill seekers/geocashers/ghost hunters/what the fuck ever" and they go into this haunted prison (hospital). They have the usual shenanigans. Someone turns up missing or dead or something.

Honestly I couldn't tell you the first thing about the story. All I know is that I was watching it and talking to two of my friends. I look up and some chick has nutted up on some guy. I look down. I look up, now there is a crazy person with a green mask on chasing them around the hospital (prison). Look again, I'm on a horse.

I don't even know how it ended. I just know I had to turn off the god awful music that was blaring over the credits.
My suggestion for this movie- Forget Psycho Ward... Watch Psycho instead.

The next tale of terrible is called Murder-Set-Pieces. Again, not sure what the actual plot is... It has something to do with a German photographer, who specializes in naked women. The German's girlfriend and her, what seems to be, 12 year old sister. The girlfriend loves him without fail. The little sister doesn't trust him. Always listen to the little sister. The German is a psycho. He has issues with women and really likes to fuck them and then kill them. I'm still not sure why. I think it has something to do with his Mother or Nazis or both.

Sadly enough there is talent in this film. In one scene, The German did buy a gun from Gunnar Hansen, who is billed as Nazi Mechanic. In another, Tony Todd is a clerk in a porn store that this German asshole attacks! TONY MOTHERFUCKIN' TODD!!! Plus Edwin Neal shows up as a good Samaritan that warns the little sister about the dangers of hitchhiking! OK, that part was funny.

Leatherface, Candyman, and The Hitchhiker.... Oh how the mighty have fallen.
I think I finally gave up when the German went to the psychic then showed up at some German woman's house then has nightmares about 9/11. I have no fucking clue what is going on at this point. CHECK PLEASE!

My suggestion- Grab any two novels off your book shelf and rip them apart. Paste them back together all willy nilly. That amalgam of words will make more sense.

My last offering of the evening is a Shyamalanian (If that's not a word it is now.) tale of six strangers, stranded in a rural funeral home, where people stop being polite and the story gets surreal... The Morgue!

It's a slow flick. It's got a twist. It's not a hard twist, nor is it original, but it is there. It's not as bad as the first two. All in all I must say this movie was semi-watchable. This is actually the second time watching it. The first time thru I watched it with Blake. I'm pretty sure I know why I couldn't remember details about this movie, except that the chick from The Blair Witch Project is in it. *cough cough*

I did remember the ending tho. I remember figuring out what was going on about 15 minutes into the thing. I also remember yelling at the TV "If ya put some soap and water on that sponge you might clean that stain off the wall!"

That's about all I do remember. After double viewings, this movie left no impression on me what so ever. It wasn't horrible. It was just... bland and predictable.

My suggestion- Watch it if you're board and see how long it takes for you to figure it out.

There you have it, my first installment of Three B's. I'd like to know what you think. Let me know in the comments or email me at Ninjakiss (at) Live dot Com.

Later!