Say A Little Prayer

Click here to go to the movie's IMDb page

For those few that actually read my blog, you might remember an Up Coming Screamers I posted way back in May. I featured the trailer for the Daniel Stamm directed film The Last Exorcism.

I had my doubts.

This is another mockumentary film shot with a hand held camera. This made me worry. Ever since The Blair Witch Project, the film industry has been flooded with these things. Already I was going into this movie with biased eyes.

The story is all about this evangelical southern preacher named Cotton Marcus who is being followed by this film crew. All Cotton's life has been about the church. His father is preacher and he was groomed at a very young age to start his ministries. As a boy, he started to perform exorcisms. He continued until the day he heard of an autistic boy that was killed during a so called "exorcism". He questioned his faith and now he is out with this film crew to perform his last exorcism.

Enter in the Sweetzer family. A very normal family from a small southern town. A widower raising his two teen age children the best way he can.

Too bad his daughter is possessed by a demon.

Now this is where I started thinking "Oh geez, it's The Exorcism of Emily Rose all over again." Boy howdy, was I wrong. Cotton is played fantastically by Patrick Fabian. You really like his character. You know it's almost reprehensible that he is a fraud but you know he's doing it for the well being of these "possessed" people. You can tell that he just wants to help bring peace to this family without doing anymore damage.

Let's talk about Nell. Played flawlessly by Ashley Bell, Nell is a naive girl with home school ideas and a sweet charm. She misses her mom and loves Jesus. But there is a scene that struck me so hard, that I literally had to stop this movie, take a breath, and revel in her performance. She makes eye contact with the camera and you can feel it coming off of the screen. The pain and, what I can only call, evil, for lack of a better word, is so intense.

That scene alone is worth seeing this movie for.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE: 1/2

HUMOR:

OVERALL:

Are You Afraid of Your Shadow?

Click the poster to go to the film's IMDb page.

Shadows creep me out. Not as much as mirrors or furries, mind you but they still creep me right out. Never knowing if what you saw out of the corner of your eye is a shadow or something much more sinister.

Like Lindsay Lohan or Ke$ha or something... *shudder*

Imagine you wake up in a padded cell. Now imagine you can't remember who you are or how you got there and you're wearing nothing but a tank top and boxers. That's how this movie starts.

Jolene Blalock wakes up not knowing anything. All she knows is that she is in some sort of mental hospital and someone has taken her clothes. After realizing her door isn't locked she sets out on exploring the halls. Eventually she runs into another patient, James Marsters. He is also suffering from complete memory lapse and lack of pants.

Eventually they come across four more people who are all under dressed and amnesic. Tony Todd, Marc Winnick, Diahanna Nicole Baxter, and Natash Alam. They all set out to discover who they are and why they are stuck in this hospital.

Only one problem, the shadows are trying to kill them.

A monster made of shadows. The thought frightens me. The movie on the other hand...

It wasn't horrible. It was the type of flick that could have been better. No fault of the actors, writer, or the director, Michael Winnick. It was just one of those movies.

The acting was on par. The effects were very Sy Fy channel. The story could have been stronger.

It was a "meh" kind of film. Look for it on Netflix's instant watch if you're bored and can't find a good Sharktapus movie to watch.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:

HUMOR: 1/2 (For Tony Todd's one liners.)

OVERALL:1/2

Making a Case.

Click the poster to go to the film's IMDb page.

I've been meaning to write this review for a while. I actually sat through this movie three times. I had too. I missed the ending the first two times. I can't remember why tho.

Damn the black outs. (KIDDING)

This is only the third movie I have ever seen with Renee Zellweger in it that I've liked. The first two being Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation and Empire Records.

Don't judge me.

Zellweger is a social worker that is very compassionate and dedicated to her work. So compassionate and dedicated she can't make time for this smoking hot child psychologist played by Bradley Cooper. What is she, completely stupid!?!?!

She has 38 cases on her plate when along comes number 39.

Case 39... You know it can't be good when it's titular in a horror film.

This case is all about a little girl named Lilith, played by Jodelle Ferland, who is falling asleep in class, her grades are slipping, and she is exhibiting behavior found in abused kids. When Zellweger goes to investigate she discovers that her parents are very distant and the father won't even speak directly to her.

When the investigation is called off Zellweger continues to snoop. She asks her police officer friend, Ian McShane, to help her. When Lilith calls her one night in distress, Zellweger & McShane (sounds like a cop show) busts in to find her parents have went completely nutter and shoved her in an oven.

This is when we learn you shouldn't fuck with Ian McShane cause he is one bad mother bitch. Best part of the fight scene is when McShane takes the father's head and introduces it to Mr. Fridge's door. It's quite impressive.

The parents are sentence to psych treatment and the little angel is entered into the system. Zellweger, being as dedicated and compassionate as she is, gets talked into taking the child into her own home by the little girl herself.

And as "creepy kid" movies go, that's when things go wrong. People start dying in horrific ways. Nobody knows why! It's a mystery! Well, unless you've seen any of these types of movies before.

I did enjoy this movie. It was directed by Christian Alvart, who directed Pandorum. It wasn't horrible. It was kinda fun! Jodelle Ferland is an amazing actress for someone that young. I hope she doesn't go the way of other child actors. Bradley Cooper wasn't bad either and as I said before, Ian McShane is one bad mother... anyway. The effects were not bad. CG was minimal, except for the hornets... oh my the hornets.

I would suggest this movie to people, but only as a renter or a downloader. I don't think I would pay twelve bucks to see it.

RATINGS:

ACTING:

GORE:

HUMOR:---

OVERALL:

Three B's: The inaugural edition!

I talked about doing this for a while. I watch a lot of movies that I don't rate cause either they are; A. stupid as a bag of oatmeal or #2. boring as all get out. So I had this idea to take the worst of the worse and compile a triple dose of dratch. None of these will have the normal ratings. None of these flicks are worth the effort. I will, however, give you my opinion on these pieces of... um... art?

For the first little taste of terrible I bring you Psycho Ward. I think this movie was about a decommissioned prison. Or was it a hospital? I'm not sure. All I know was that they kept calling it a prison but it looked like a nut house. A group of college age kids (surprise, surprise) are "thrill seekers/geocashers/ghost hunters/what the fuck ever" and they go into this haunted prison (hospital). They have the usual shenanigans. Someone turns up missing or dead or something.

Honestly I couldn't tell you the first thing about the story. All I know is that I was watching it and talking to two of my friends. I look up and some chick has nutted up on some guy. I look down. I look up, now there is a crazy person with a green mask on chasing them around the hospital (prison). Look again, I'm on a horse.

I don't even know how it ended. I just know I had to turn off the god awful music that was blaring over the credits.
My suggestion for this movie- Forget Psycho Ward... Watch Psycho instead.

The next tale of terrible is called Murder-Set-Pieces. Again, not sure what the actual plot is... It has something to do with a German photographer, who specializes in naked women. The German's girlfriend and her, what seems to be, 12 year old sister. The girlfriend loves him without fail. The little sister doesn't trust him. Always listen to the little sister. The German is a psycho. He has issues with women and really likes to fuck them and then kill them. I'm still not sure why. I think it has something to do with his Mother or Nazis or both.

Sadly enough there is talent in this film. In one scene, The German did buy a gun from Gunnar Hansen, who is billed as Nazi Mechanic. In another, Tony Todd is a clerk in a porn store that this German asshole attacks! TONY MOTHERFUCKIN' TODD!!! Plus Edwin Neal shows up as a good Samaritan that warns the little sister about the dangers of hitchhiking! OK, that part was funny.

Leatherface, Candyman, and The Hitchhiker.... Oh how the mighty have fallen.
I think I finally gave up when the German went to the psychic then showed up at some German woman's house then has nightmares about 9/11. I have no fucking clue what is going on at this point. CHECK PLEASE!

My suggestion- Grab any two novels off your book shelf and rip them apart. Paste them back together all willy nilly. That amalgam of words will make more sense.

My last offering of the evening is a Shyamalanian (If that's not a word it is now.) tale of six strangers, stranded in a rural funeral home, where people stop being polite and the story gets surreal... The Morgue!

It's a slow flick. It's got a twist. It's not a hard twist, nor is it original, but it is there. It's not as bad as the first two. All in all I must say this movie was semi-watchable. This is actually the second time watching it. The first time thru I watched it with Blake. I'm pretty sure I know why I couldn't remember details about this movie, except that the chick from The Blair Witch Project is in it. *cough cough*

I did remember the ending tho. I remember figuring out what was going on about 15 minutes into the thing. I also remember yelling at the TV "If ya put some soap and water on that sponge you might clean that stain off the wall!"

That's about all I do remember. After double viewings, this movie left no impression on me what so ever. It wasn't horrible. It was just... bland and predictable.

My suggestion- Watch it if you're board and see how long it takes for you to figure it out.

There you have it, my first installment of Three B's. I'd like to know what you think. Let me know in the comments or email me at Ninjakiss (at) Live dot Com.

Later!