Kill the TV, Before it Kills You.

When I was but a wee lass around the age of 12, my best friend, Beth and I had a Saturday night ritual. We would hole up in my bedroom, stuff our face with junk food, and watch our three favorite shows. Monsters, Freddy's Nightmares, and Tales from the Darkside. It was bliss for my 12 year old horror loving heart!

Flash forward to the 33 year old horror vixen I am today. Just recently, I "acquired" season one of Freddy's Nightmares. This was the short lived series based on, what else, The Nightmare on Elm Street movies. Watching it now that I'm older I spot the people who are famous today like John Cameron Mitchell, Mariska Hargitay, Bill Moseley, Brad Pitt and Bob Goen. I also realize that my 12 year old self's taste in horror wasn't nearly as "refined" as my 33 year old self's taste. Some of these could be called crap if they aired today! If you haven't ever had the privilege of viewing this show it's basically Tales from the Crypt with Freddy serving up tales of his torment in dream land. He's terrorizing everyone in Springwood and we get to watch.

Now, 1988 was banner year for horror television! Not only did you have the three shows mentioned above, we also had Friday the 13th: The Series, which had nothing to do with Jason Vorhees and everything to do with cursed antiques. Another awesome horror anthology show!

This really got me thinking. Why don't we have great horror television like this anymore? We have our The Vampire Diaries, True Blood & Supernatural but these aren't truely horror. The Vampire Diaries are nothing more than this neutered vampire fluff that is so popular. True Blood is soft core vamp porn, granted much better than the fluff but too much boinking and not enough killing. Now I have to give props to Supernatural. It's not really fluff and it has some cool story lines but it's not really what I would love to see in horror television.

The last good horror show, in my opinion was Masters of Horror. But really, how can you top something like that? All the greatest horror directors & writers given free reign to create amazing tales of terror. It was like giving this fat girl the keys to the horror candy store!

Mmmm horror candy...

If you were to ask me what my top 5 horror tv shows were I guess it would break down like this:

5. Monsters
4. Freddy's Nightmares
3. Masters of Horror
2. Tales from the Darkside
1. Night Gallery

I know most people would expect The Twilight Zone but it wasn't just horror, it was also fantasy & Sci Fi. Night Gallery in my opinion held true to the art of telling tales of horror & suspense.

Maybe one day I will get my horror anthologies returning to the tube. Till then it's my Tales from the Darkside dvds and a glimmer of hope.

Show me Top 5 Horror Video Games.... *DING DING DING*

If you know me you know that I am not just obsessed with horror. I am also a gamer. I love video games. I have ever since I was a wee tyke and I got my hands on an Atari 2600 joystick.

I love when my obsessions cross over, so I decided that my horror blog needed to meet my gamer side.

Here's the setup. About 3 to 4 days ago I posted this as my facebook status...

"Calling all of my video game brethren and sisteren! I am looking for your top 5 horror video games! It can be for any system or pc, just as long as it's horror. It's for my blog, and if you have a link to whore out post it with your top 5 and I'll link you."

I was curious to see what people thought of the horror genre in video games. What I got was a bunch of lists from my friends and a few from some awesome Nerdcore rappers (second in my heart next to horror)

Shael Riley-
Resident Evil Outbreak
Resident Evil Outbreak: File 2
Resident Evil 1
Resident Evil 2
Super Castlevania IV

Quartz Relic-
Eternal Darkness
Silent Hill 1/2
Resident Evil (Gamecube Remake)
Siren
Fatal Frame 2

Kyle Wertz aka MC Coolwhip-
Condemned 2
Silent Hill 2
House of the dead 2
DOOM 3
Dead rising

Caine Chaffin-
Parasite Eve
Silent Hill 3
Shivers 2
7th Guest
Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth

Michael Walker-
Fatal Frames 1 and 2
Silent Hill two
The Suffering
Dead Space

Steven Naslund-
Silent Hill 2
Resident Evil 1
Fatal Frame
Clock Tower
Dead Space

Matthew Parrish-
Eternal Darkness
Condemned
Deadspace
Resident Evil 1
Resident Evil 4

Mike Herron-
Splatterhouse
Castlevania: Symphony Of The Night
Resident Evil (original PS1 version)
Return to Castle Wolfenstein
Doom

James Keith Colburn-
Silent Hill 1
Fatal Frame
Silent Hill 3
Fatal Frame 2
Kuon

Everyone used my status to discuss the differences in all the sub genres. Is survival horror better than puzzle or action horror? Which is scarier? I'm interested now in delving into this subject matter a bit deeper.

As for my top 5?

Robin Thompson-
Parasite Eve
11th Hour
Bioshock
Resident Evil
Silent Hill

I kinda like this list thing... Look for more lists comming soon & if you have any suggestions in movies, books, or video games email me at huddlehouseninja (at) hotmail.com

It all felt like a bad dream

OK first off I need to offer my sincerest apologies. My life has been CRAZY these past few and I have been watching movies just not any worth writing about. I know I promised 3 reviews WAAAAAYY back when that I never got around to I'll probably post the reviews soon now that my life has somewhat normalized.

And now for something completely different, and yet very familiar...

I have been dreading this since I read that my arch nemesis, Michael Bay was producing the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street. I'll tell you why.

I was different from all my friends when I was a kid. They all had pictures of New Kids On The Block and the teen star de'jour. Me? I had a life size door poster of Freddy Kruger. I would cut out pics of him from Fango. I was enamored by this monster! A Nightmare on Elm Street was my movie.

I wept openly when I heard of the remake.

Tonight I swallowed my pride and decided to just go for it. I'm not sorry I did. I mean it could have been worse. Billy Bob Thorton was rumored to have been offered the role of Freddy.

"I think your soul would be good with some biscuits and mustard. Maybe some of those french fried potaters. MMM HMMM"

That could have been a DISASTER. Thank heavens for small miracles. Like magnets. It's fuckin' magic. Anyway, back on point.

Freddy Kruger 2.0 was directed by Samuel Bayer. This is Mr. Bayer's first feature. He has mostly been involved in the fine art of music video directing. His directing isn't bad. He's no Wes Craven. Then again, who is? I'm just glad it wasn't edited like a music video. It's scenes are seamless and it flows quite well.

The acting isn't horrible but it isn't stellar either. In the original we got Johnny Depp, in this one we get Kellan Lutz, Thomas Dekker, and in Johnny's role as Nancy's boytoy, Kyle Gallner.

Someone bring Johnny back. None of the guys were memorable. Just eye candy & gore fodder.

The girls in this were better. Rooney Mara played Nancy very well. Meek and unassuming in the beginning and kicking some nightmare ass in the end. Well played indeed. Katie Cassidy was Kris, Nancy's BFF (Tina was her name in the OG ANOES). I must admit she pulled Kris/Tina off as well as Rooney did Nancy. The bedroom scene, while not as intense as the OG was still very good.

Now the big one. Jackie Earle Haley. The man who took over the role as my beloved Fred Kruger. He had some mighty snarky shoes to fill. Robert Englund gave life to the role. He was Freddy. I was terrified that no one could ever play him like Robert did. I was right. Sort of. Haley was a Kruger of another color. Completely different than Robert Englund. He was more creepy with a side of snark. I know that is gonna tick a lot of people off. The reason is we got used to the later incarnations of Freddy. From Nightmare 3 we were given the "Welcome to prime time, bitch" Freddy. This was the beginning of the smart ass Kruger. Lest we forget that he was indeed more creepy and less snarky in parts 1 and 2.
Haley was genius. He was so creepy I sort of felt uncomfortable. Like I needed a shower. He played up the child molester aspect and played down the revenge. You kinda have to over look the voice. If I look away or close my eyes I see Rorschach in my head.

The effects in the movie were pretty good. I was a bit disappointed in the CG Freddy over Nancy's bed. They should have went the OG route and did it with a wall of latex. Much freakier. Freddy's makeup however was SPOT ON. Less wrinkly than Robert Englund's more serious burn victim. Not a ton of gore. Some cuts and open wounds, a few bouts of impalement here and there. Nothing too gory until... well, we'll leave that as a surprise.

All in all not a bad remake. (Curse you Michael Bay. Curse you.)

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OVERALL: 1/2

Rock-a-bye baby.... HOLY CRAP!

Once again I bring you a remake of a cult classic. Now I know I wasn't fond of the original Stepfather, like in the last review but this one is different. I loved It's Alive (1974). It was one of those movies my dad introduced me to. We had a bond over B-movies. Something about that screeching baby mutant just warmed my heart.

I was very interested when I saw that the remake had showed up on my Netflix instant watch. So I might as well give it a shot.

Of course they updated the story. Instead of Lenore and Frank being a married couple, Lenore (Bijou Phillips) is a college girl and Frank (James Murray) is some kind of architect. At first I couldn't figure out why they wanted to change it. Then the plot gods told me.

I digress. They have the baby. It's not normal. Well, it looks normal but its six months premature and bigger than a full term baby. Did I mention when the doctors cut the cord the little bugger went nuts and slaughtered the entire OR? No? Well it did. Only people to survive was Momma and Baby. That's the thing with this kid. It gets scared or threatened it turns into this flesh eating mutant.

Whatever you do, Don't play peek-a-boo with him.

The movie was pretty much the same plot as the original. Well, it was in the same neighborhood as the original. The only thing is it's not a chemical that affects a whole bunch of women, it's Lenore's fault. Not some company. It's her doing.

This wasn't a bad remake. The cg baby of doom was cool and the deaths were pretty gruesome. I don't think it could ever hold a candle to the original. I mean that mutant baby is iconic!!

You can even buy the original baby as a puppet. I got to have this!!

My suggestion is check this out once but go back & watch the original. Much more enjoyable!

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OVERALL: 1/2

YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER!!!!

Let me tell you about the first film to ever put me to sleep.

I was about 13 years old and I was looking for a movie at my local video store. The Stepfather caught my eye, recently acquiring a step parent my self, I thought this should be fun.

It wasn't. I got like half way through when I just passed out. Right out. Like a light. Stone cold sleep.

Fast forward to 2009. Hollywood, being the wealth of creativity that it is, decided to remake The Stepfather. So being hopeful that maybe, just maybe, they could make it a bit better I decided to give it a try.

I was wrong.

The Stepfather starts off introducing you to David Harris (Dylan Walsh). In the opening scene you see the aftermath of his killing spree. You immediately know who he is and what he is about. But then again you knew this from the trailer. David moves to a new town and starts looking for another family. He meets Susan Harding (Sela Ward) in a grocery store with her two younger children. He weasels his way into the family and all is right in his psychopathic brain. Until Susan's oldest son, Michael (Penn Badgley), comes home from military school. He becomes suspicious of his soon to be stepfather and questions arise about David's past.

This is pretty much the story. Every time people get curious of David's past, they die. A neighbor, the ex-husband, Susan's random lesbian friend (or she may have been her sister), all dead. And not in creative ways. All of them by some form of asphyxiation.

BORING.

You can pretty much describe the entire movie as boring. I was hoping the family would have been killed. Then there was Michael's blond, vapid girlfriend who was basically always in her bathing suit or undies. I guess they had to throw something in there so the guys would stay interested.

It didn't work for me and I like boobs.

I fell asleep. I really did. I fell asleep. I guess it was just like the original after all.

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OVERALL: 1/2 of a skull.